What Kind of a person am I?

Went over to Dennis & Pauline's place last night for the soccer match. While we were watching the commentaries before the game began, by chance I looked out of the door and I told Adrian, "Chen Meiling". Of course he blur blur lah, out of the blue a common name like that. I further elaborated that my very close friend at NUS just walked past and apparently lives next door to Dennis and Pauline. He wouldn't believe me, went to the door and had a look for himself,and true enough it was the very person I was referring to.

To be honest, I have been avoiding my uni gang for the past 6 years. Come to think of it, even back in the uni days I've never put my heart and soul into the friendships that I had. I was like an animal in the jungle, taking every single tread cautiously, for fear of arousing the predator and become its prey. Yeah, I guess the metaphors are silly, me=prey, friendship=predator. Can friendship possibly consume me?

Yes, I believe I'm vulnerable enough to be consumed by friendship. Back in the uni days, I've adways told Adrian that I don't think my closest friends understood me better than him, to them I was probably just a clown or Jack-O-Box, waiting to spring surprises at them any moment and the clown of the clique. I never would allow deeper friendships to develop for fear of future disappointments and betrayal. What gave me this idea was probably due to my upbringing, how my Dad and Grandmother brainwashed me that I can't rely on friends forever. Cannot rely forever then don't bother to have lor! Haiz... talk about schemas...

Since I was diagnosed with clinical psychosis disorder, I have completely shut my life to them. Well, not only them as in my uni friends, but also the much closer bunch from our primary school. Not only because I don't trust friendships anymore, it is also because I haven't and cannot come to terms to what has become of me. You may think I'm open and vulnerable but that's only to God and you who are related to me by Christ's blood and the Holy Spirit, the truth is I still feel too proud to allow my old friends to know the drastic changes in my life the past 6 years. More importantly, I can't let them see a 24inch-turned-35inch-46kg-turned-60kg me. To cut it short, I can't accept the changes in me, and I cannot accept myself for whom I have become.

Kevin's sermon today was indeed inspiring and an eye-opener. I can't continue to dwell upon these worldly emotions and playing hide-and-seek with myself, I have a far more important task to do: God's job. How many fruit I bear is not the issue at all, the issue here is how many people come to know of God and convert through my efforts and how I display myself. I live in a world full of Satan's temptations, but God promised that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. And when I meet God on Judgement Day, I suppose He won't bother to ask me why has my waistline and weight increased so much. Lord, help me to focus less on my outward appearance and more on my inward character. Amen.