I've gotta be crazy. All my life I've hated plants and swore I'll never have anything to do with them. Those of you who've been to my place would have realized that not only are there no signs of nature in my house, everything is blue in colour. But all these changed last night and this morning when I spent in all $75 at the Pasar Malam buying plants!!!
Well, you could call it peer pressure. After all, I'm surrounded by neighbours who are plant lovers. Only my corridor is empty except for shoe racks and toy cars. But the truth is, I've been thinking about how I could appreciate God more, be more in touch with God, and I thought the best way would be to be in touch with His creations. So I told the kids that the next Pasar Malam that comes along will be when we'll get plants for our corridor. And I fulfilled my promise. Not too tough repotting them really. Perhaps I've inherited my Dad's green hands without knowing it?
Another creation of God's I'd like to be in touch with is fish. Fighting fish in particular. Nathanial spent a couple of nights at Cheng Yong and Ler's and brought home a fighting fish. It's colourful, easy to take care of, lives in a small tank, long enduring life span. I'm planning to get 5 more to put on the TV console. As I watch TV, during advertisements I could look at these colourful yet graceful creatures and marvel at God's creations, learning from them endurance and the mninimalist way of living. How beautiful that would be!
Adrian said this is either a manic episode which will die down in a couple of months at most. But I think there is more to it because I've been thinking about it for a long time without setting out to do it immediately. And as I see clearer and clearer how these are God's creations and what I can learn from them, I believe this could develop into new hobbies of mine. Finally I'll have something active as hobbies. They'll be good for my condition too, so said the occupational therapist. Pray for me, sisters.
Showing posts with label Spiritual Sharing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Sharing. Show all posts
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Prayers and Blessings
Really pleased to see my father-in-law's progress in his Bible study. More importantly the friendship he is building amongst the Golden Men, that he could let go of us on Sunday mornings and attend their gatherings and have coffee with them after Bible Study, which is after the Chinese Service, getting home at 5ish. He has even started attending midweek last Thursday, and this is happening far better than I had dared to hope for. I am really in awe of God's faithfulness, for all these would not have happened had it not been His will. Praise God!
Lately a lot has been happening to my immediate neighbours. First, a neighbour's Taiwanese wife got pregnant with the second baby and is having very bad morning sickness. Being alone in si8ngapore and her in-laws old and living far away, she was desperate for help to settle her 4yo son's meals. I offered to help since I cook every weekday lunch and dinner anyway. I guess this is a touching gesture to them for they are seriously considering coming to our church 'for the time being' instead of going to a church at Marine Parade where the Taiwanese mothers in the neighbourhood attend.
Another family with an elderly couple and their unmarried middle age daughter ran into some problems. The elderly man suddenly could not get down the bed one day from extreme pain in his leg, and he had to be sent to the hospital in an ambulance. The wife and daughter spent all day in the hospital, so I only get to enquire about his progress either early in the morning before they left or late at night when they are back. One Friday I was at the hospital to see my psychiatrist and decided to drop by and visit him. By chance I met his wife and daughter at the foodcourt. It was then that I discovered that Uncle Ang had been suffering from cancer for several years but he wasn't told about it. The whole family including another daughter and a son who have migrated to canada were all in a state of denial for years, but that day they had just been told by the doctor the cancer cells have spread and Uncle Ang had about 3 months to live. When I visited him at the ward, I gingerly asked if I could pray with him, fearing rejection as their family are Taoists and are not open even to attending church despite Uncle Ang's younger brother's constant invitation. To my pleasant surprise they were all agreeable. I prayed for his pain to subside, for him to be mobile again so that he may resume his normal routine of 5am brisk walking in the neighbourhood. His daughter Julie went to the toilet and cried, because to her, the prayers were impossible to be fulfilled. I continued to pray with Uncle Ang almost everyday when he was discharged on that Sunday, and I occasionally would cook dinner for him as he was on soft diet. I asked if he would like a pastor from our church to visit him and pray for him, but he turned down. Yet he continued to allow me to hold his hand and pray with him almost every evening when I visited him. And once again, God proved to be faithful, for yesterday Uncle ang actually got out of bed 4 times and walked around his living room, experiencing no pain at all! I took the opportunity to point out to him and his family that God has answered our prayers and let's continue to pray faithfully everyday. Please pray for me as I continue on my mission to reach out to Uncle Ang and his family that they will see God's faithfulness and agree to have a 'more powerful person' aka pastor to pray for him, thereby starting a Bible Study and completing it before it's too late.
I have a new neighbour who just moved in 1 week tomorrow. The man is a Singaporean Chinese and the wife is an Indonesian. They are Muslims. I am gathering the courage to invite them to this Friday's parenting workshop, and I am considering if it is too rude and abrupt to invite them to the Indonesian Bible Talk since I've known them for just a week. Pray for me for courage to approach them.
Well, these are the 3 families I have been trying to reach out recently, to love them unconditionally and develop a relationship with them so that I may help them to come to know Christ's unconditional sacrifice for them. Please pray for my mission, especially that with Uncle Ang as this comes with real urgency.
Amen.
Lately a lot has been happening to my immediate neighbours. First, a neighbour's Taiwanese wife got pregnant with the second baby and is having very bad morning sickness. Being alone in si8ngapore and her in-laws old and living far away, she was desperate for help to settle her 4yo son's meals. I offered to help since I cook every weekday lunch and dinner anyway. I guess this is a touching gesture to them for they are seriously considering coming to our church 'for the time being' instead of going to a church at Marine Parade where the Taiwanese mothers in the neighbourhood attend.
Another family with an elderly couple and their unmarried middle age daughter ran into some problems. The elderly man suddenly could not get down the bed one day from extreme pain in his leg, and he had to be sent to the hospital in an ambulance. The wife and daughter spent all day in the hospital, so I only get to enquire about his progress either early in the morning before they left or late at night when they are back. One Friday I was at the hospital to see my psychiatrist and decided to drop by and visit him. By chance I met his wife and daughter at the foodcourt. It was then that I discovered that Uncle Ang had been suffering from cancer for several years but he wasn't told about it. The whole family including another daughter and a son who have migrated to canada were all in a state of denial for years, but that day they had just been told by the doctor the cancer cells have spread and Uncle Ang had about 3 months to live. When I visited him at the ward, I gingerly asked if I could pray with him, fearing rejection as their family are Taoists and are not open even to attending church despite Uncle Ang's younger brother's constant invitation. To my pleasant surprise they were all agreeable. I prayed for his pain to subside, for him to be mobile again so that he may resume his normal routine of 5am brisk walking in the neighbourhood. His daughter Julie went to the toilet and cried, because to her, the prayers were impossible to be fulfilled. I continued to pray with Uncle Ang almost everyday when he was discharged on that Sunday, and I occasionally would cook dinner for him as he was on soft diet. I asked if he would like a pastor from our church to visit him and pray for him, but he turned down. Yet he continued to allow me to hold his hand and pray with him almost every evening when I visited him. And once again, God proved to be faithful, for yesterday Uncle ang actually got out of bed 4 times and walked around his living room, experiencing no pain at all! I took the opportunity to point out to him and his family that God has answered our prayers and let's continue to pray faithfully everyday. Please pray for me as I continue on my mission to reach out to Uncle Ang and his family that they will see God's faithfulness and agree to have a 'more powerful person' aka pastor to pray for him, thereby starting a Bible Study and completing it before it's too late.
I have a new neighbour who just moved in 1 week tomorrow. The man is a Singaporean Chinese and the wife is an Indonesian. They are Muslims. I am gathering the courage to invite them to this Friday's parenting workshop, and I am considering if it is too rude and abrupt to invite them to the Indonesian Bible Talk since I've known them for just a week. Pray for me for courage to approach them.
Well, these are the 3 families I have been trying to reach out recently, to love them unconditionally and develop a relationship with them so that I may help them to come to know Christ's unconditional sacrifice for them. Please pray for my mission, especially that with Uncle Ang as this comes with real urgency.
Amen.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I Love You, Mum
For as long as I can remember, I've always longed for my Mum's attention and physical love. But at a very young age, I developed the kind of thinking that she didn't have time for me. She was either far too busy at work, or she'd be too tired to go anywhere after a week's of hard work as a secretary. She never promised anything - any requests to go zoo or bird park or sentosa always solicited the reply, "We'll see."
As I grew older, I saw my parents fight on the average once a year, during spring cleaning. My Dad is a sentimentalist who values his possessions and old compositions and old school magazines, while my Mum was a "thrower" who throws away anything and everything deemed useless. I recall accounts when they inevitably ended up in fights during and after spring cleaning, which resulted in my Mum leaving home to stay at her sister's place. My Granny would then be so worried about their relationship and how I was to cope without my Mum's love that she would constantly feel unwell. At that time, we were not aware that she had Ischemic heart disease despite regular checkups, as coronary heart disease was the only known heart disease and she was one of the "pioneers" in this variety of heart disease. Being close to my Granny and empathising with how unwell and worried she felt at her age, I learnt to hate my Mum because I saw her as the one creating all these unhappiness in the family.
As I grew older in years, I do not recall many times when I could turn to my mother when I needed help. I was far far closer to my Dad than my Mum. Much as I refused to acknowledge it, I was extremely disappointed and bitter when I had to return to school to collect my PSLE results on my own without my parents. Similarly, I attended my secondary school orientation on my own, albeit in my friend's father's car, who was going to the same secondary school. There, I bought my own Sec 1 textbooks and uniform, thanks to my 2 friends' mothers who helped to decide which was the right size of uniform for me to buy. Seeing everyone accompanied by at least one parent while I was all alone, I had the first taste of being pushed into independence against my wishes. I really want to be pampered, to be a Mummy's / Daddy's girl for awhile longer, reluctant to grow up. By then, I had developed such an attitude aqagainst my Mum that I channeled all my energies towards blaming her, while excusing my Dad for I saw a man as a main breadwinner of the family. There and then I swore that when I had my own kids, I would be a stay-home Mom. (See, my attitude is so bad that I differentiate between "Mum" and "Mom", insisting that my kids use "Mom" when referring to me!)
My sis, being 11 years younger than me, was in a more fortunate situation. Financially our family was better off, so she had more material comforts than I had at her age. To be fair, Mum did buy me clothes and her taste was really good. But with my attitude towards her, I didn't feel grateful, I felt that was the least she owed me. I always feel that my parents loved my sister much more, my Dad would boast about what a genius she was while my Mum would make sure she was well taken care of at all times. The uncountable number of times I got viciously scolded for keeping my sis awake from her nap! Gosh, she was hyperactive and just wouldn't sleep, and despite the fact that I hid myself behind the sarong, she would gurgle in search of me. What was I supposed to do??! Thank God this fury did not extend beyond towards my Mum. I loved my sis dearly and this feeling was reciprocated at a very young age.
When sis was older and started school, anything that happens to her would require me to bail her out of mischief. Whenever the teachers asked to meet the parents on her bad behaviour (reading story books under the desk instead of paying attention in class), I would be the surrogate parent attending. When sis caught chicken pox, I was the one stuck at home for 2 weeks, taking care of her, cooking for her, applying calamine lotion for her, foregoing my precious holidays in NUS. yet it was my sis who received all the love while I got all the reprimands. I gave up. I swore the day I had the means to leave home I would. And I would not turn back. And I would not bother with my Mum anymore.
After becoming a mother, I thought my feelings towards my mother would turn for the better, being able to understand her position as a mother better, especially since I was a working mother. Instead, I saw more of her incompetence and defectiveness as a mother. Imagine her asking me how did I ever learnt how to bathe my infants, breastfeed them (my sis and I were not breastfed), clean their poo and put on diapers for them. And twins at that too. I could only shake my head in disbelief when in private while telling her that I learnt it all when I was caring for my sis when she was a baby. And my Mum never remembered all those times I got scolded for not caring for my sis to perfection.
It wasn't until my first Bible study with Joyce Ng and Ler that I finally let out all these deep-rooted emotions all at once. It was a terrible feeling, I never realised just how much anger and hatred and misgivings there was in me. We cried together, prayed together, learnt to forgive together. Then my bipolar attacked and I attempted suicide and was warded to the hospital. Subsequently I disappeared from church for almost 2 years.
When I finally decided to return to church and do my Bible study again, this time with Grace and Pauline, I discovered that without realising it, I had actually forgiven my Mum two years ago. Forgiving is not forgetting, and I still feel bitter sometimes, but generally I do not hate her anymore. But I still couldn't feel the closeness a daughter and mother should, the years lost between us were just too many to be caught up with so quickly.
It is mid-year examination time now. Most of you know that my kids are both ill with high fever and need to resit for their paper within 2 days' of the original paper. This morning Natalie was having fever but was still very alert, so I decided to send her to school to sit for her Math paper while Nathanial will wait for Frkiday to resit his. While waiting for Natalie in the canteen, I was reflecting on how I used to fall sick during my primary school exams too. And it suddenly dawned on me that on these occasions, it was my Mum who took half day's leave to send me to school and wait for me to complete my papers then take me home early. 4 papers in 1 SA, 8 papers in 2. Multiply by 6 years and minus off prelim when i was well for the first time, that makes 47 times of half-day leave, or 23.5 days' worth of annual leave. Yeah, my Mum did love me after all, it's just that her upbringing has not taught her how to show her love.
These days that I'm no longer working in my glamorous manager position but teach tuition from home, I have suffered a drastic paycut. We struggle to make ends meet, and we have complete spent all our savings due to my illness and the high medical cost to treat it. It is my Mum who helps us by giving us a sum of money monthly to tide us over, and when I was last warded for self mutilation and mania and was not teaching for a whole month, she actually gave us a lump sum of 3k. Besides, she always delivers to our doorstep expensive fish on the pretext of giving it to the kids. What are we to do financially without my Mum? This is her way of showing her love for me. Far from what we have been taught in the parenting classes and all the parenting books, but remember she never attended any parenting class nor read any parenting book. All she knows what to do is to replicate what her parents did for her, as well as what she would liked her parents to do for her but did not.
This realisation today has hit me real hard. After 38 years of thinking that I don't mean anything to my Mum, I suddenly realise how much she really loves me. Mum, I'm sorry I was never your idea of a good daughter and was always rebellious, and I sincerely apologise for the trespasses I have made over the years to make you angry. Mum, this is not easy, but I really love you.
As I grew older, I saw my parents fight on the average once a year, during spring cleaning. My Dad is a sentimentalist who values his possessions and old compositions and old school magazines, while my Mum was a "thrower" who throws away anything and everything deemed useless. I recall accounts when they inevitably ended up in fights during and after spring cleaning, which resulted in my Mum leaving home to stay at her sister's place. My Granny would then be so worried about their relationship and how I was to cope without my Mum's love that she would constantly feel unwell. At that time, we were not aware that she had Ischemic heart disease despite regular checkups, as coronary heart disease was the only known heart disease and she was one of the "pioneers" in this variety of heart disease. Being close to my Granny and empathising with how unwell and worried she felt at her age, I learnt to hate my Mum because I saw her as the one creating all these unhappiness in the family.
As I grew older in years, I do not recall many times when I could turn to my mother when I needed help. I was far far closer to my Dad than my Mum. Much as I refused to acknowledge it, I was extremely disappointed and bitter when I had to return to school to collect my PSLE results on my own without my parents. Similarly, I attended my secondary school orientation on my own, albeit in my friend's father's car, who was going to the same secondary school. There, I bought my own Sec 1 textbooks and uniform, thanks to my 2 friends' mothers who helped to decide which was the right size of uniform for me to buy. Seeing everyone accompanied by at least one parent while I was all alone, I had the first taste of being pushed into independence against my wishes. I really want to be pampered, to be a Mummy's / Daddy's girl for awhile longer, reluctant to grow up. By then, I had developed such an attitude aqagainst my Mum that I channeled all my energies towards blaming her, while excusing my Dad for I saw a man as a main breadwinner of the family. There and then I swore that when I had my own kids, I would be a stay-home Mom. (See, my attitude is so bad that I differentiate between "Mum" and "Mom", insisting that my kids use "Mom" when referring to me!)
My sis, being 11 years younger than me, was in a more fortunate situation. Financially our family was better off, so she had more material comforts than I had at her age. To be fair, Mum did buy me clothes and her taste was really good. But with my attitude towards her, I didn't feel grateful, I felt that was the least she owed me. I always feel that my parents loved my sister much more, my Dad would boast about what a genius she was while my Mum would make sure she was well taken care of at all times. The uncountable number of times I got viciously scolded for keeping my sis awake from her nap! Gosh, she was hyperactive and just wouldn't sleep, and despite the fact that I hid myself behind the sarong, she would gurgle in search of me. What was I supposed to do??! Thank God this fury did not extend beyond towards my Mum. I loved my sis dearly and this feeling was reciprocated at a very young age.
When sis was older and started school, anything that happens to her would require me to bail her out of mischief. Whenever the teachers asked to meet the parents on her bad behaviour (reading story books under the desk instead of paying attention in class), I would be the surrogate parent attending. When sis caught chicken pox, I was the one stuck at home for 2 weeks, taking care of her, cooking for her, applying calamine lotion for her, foregoing my precious holidays in NUS. yet it was my sis who received all the love while I got all the reprimands. I gave up. I swore the day I had the means to leave home I would. And I would not turn back. And I would not bother with my Mum anymore.
After becoming a mother, I thought my feelings towards my mother would turn for the better, being able to understand her position as a mother better, especially since I was a working mother. Instead, I saw more of her incompetence and defectiveness as a mother. Imagine her asking me how did I ever learnt how to bathe my infants, breastfeed them (my sis and I were not breastfed), clean their poo and put on diapers for them. And twins at that too. I could only shake my head in disbelief when in private while telling her that I learnt it all when I was caring for my sis when she was a baby. And my Mum never remembered all those times I got scolded for not caring for my sis to perfection.
It wasn't until my first Bible study with Joyce Ng and Ler that I finally let out all these deep-rooted emotions all at once. It was a terrible feeling, I never realised just how much anger and hatred and misgivings there was in me. We cried together, prayed together, learnt to forgive together. Then my bipolar attacked and I attempted suicide and was warded to the hospital. Subsequently I disappeared from church for almost 2 years.
When I finally decided to return to church and do my Bible study again, this time with Grace and Pauline, I discovered that without realising it, I had actually forgiven my Mum two years ago. Forgiving is not forgetting, and I still feel bitter sometimes, but generally I do not hate her anymore. But I still couldn't feel the closeness a daughter and mother should, the years lost between us were just too many to be caught up with so quickly.
It is mid-year examination time now. Most of you know that my kids are both ill with high fever and need to resit for their paper within 2 days' of the original paper. This morning Natalie was having fever but was still very alert, so I decided to send her to school to sit for her Math paper while Nathanial will wait for Frkiday to resit his. While waiting for Natalie in the canteen, I was reflecting on how I used to fall sick during my primary school exams too. And it suddenly dawned on me that on these occasions, it was my Mum who took half day's leave to send me to school and wait for me to complete my papers then take me home early. 4 papers in 1 SA, 8 papers in 2. Multiply by 6 years and minus off prelim when i was well for the first time, that makes 47 times of half-day leave, or 23.5 days' worth of annual leave. Yeah, my Mum did love me after all, it's just that her upbringing has not taught her how to show her love.
These days that I'm no longer working in my glamorous manager position but teach tuition from home, I have suffered a drastic paycut. We struggle to make ends meet, and we have complete spent all our savings due to my illness and the high medical cost to treat it. It is my Mum who helps us by giving us a sum of money monthly to tide us over, and when I was last warded for self mutilation and mania and was not teaching for a whole month, she actually gave us a lump sum of 3k. Besides, she always delivers to our doorstep expensive fish on the pretext of giving it to the kids. What are we to do financially without my Mum? This is her way of showing her love for me. Far from what we have been taught in the parenting classes and all the parenting books, but remember she never attended any parenting class nor read any parenting book. All she knows what to do is to replicate what her parents did for her, as well as what she would liked her parents to do for her but did not.
This realisation today has hit me real hard. After 38 years of thinking that I don't mean anything to my Mum, I suddenly realise how much she really loves me. Mum, I'm sorry I was never your idea of a good daughter and was always rebellious, and I sincerely apologise for the trespasses I have made over the years to make you angry. Mum, this is not easy, but I really love you.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
Despite having been a mother of a pair of lovely twins for over 7 years, I never really could see myself fitting into the role of a mother naturally. But for the first time this year, I really feel that God has blessed me exceptionally much this Mother's Day, with so many good news to share.
First and foremost, most of you must already know that my father-in-law started studying the Bible formally today, Mother's Day. From what I gathered from the brothers he studied with as well as Alvin Fan who spent a little time with them, my father-in-law was very open and in fact seems to have already decided before the study that he will accept Christ as his Saviour.He went as far as to learn how to pray in today's session, which lasted over an hour and a half. What a breakthrough!
I also managed to invite my ex-babysitter to the service, although she did not mingle around and left immediately after the service. But it's still a good start, considering how she used to forbid my kids to say grace when having meals at her place.
Just before service started this morning, I received a surprised call from an ex-visitor brought to church last July by Veron whom she got to know during the racial harmony day. She said she was on the way to our church and wanted me to meet her at level 2. Turned out that she has been attending another church as she could carpool with a colleague living nearby, but right now she is on 6 monthsunpaid leave. Besides she was late today so she decided to come to our church which was just 5 minutes' drive away from home. I'm telling her how worshipping God is the same at any church. hoping that she would take the convenient way out and come to our church regularly from now on. Besides, her son is on good terms with Tiffany, Maria's daughter, so it really is a win-win situation. Will be spending time with her on Tuesday morning, pray for me that we have a fruitful session together.
I have established even closer ties with a neighbouring family with a Taiwanese mother. Now that she is feeling unwell from her first trimester of pregnancy, I have offered to provide lunch and dinner for her 4yo FOC. I also took this opportunity to invite her to our Chinese service, since she goes to Marine Parade with other Taiwanese mothers in the neighbourhood and the journey is too long for her to take it at the moment. Besides the service there is from 11.30am to 2pm, which is really awkward timing for lunch. She is seriously considering it for short term. Please pray that she comes and we can move her to stay on beyond this period of discomfort.
Last but not least, on Wednesday Natalie came back telling me there's a special pen she really loved selling at the school bookshop. She asked for extra money to buy it, but I refused, saying that a P1 child doesn't do her work with pens. Besides I always bulk purchase at value$, which costs 10 cents a pen approximately. Nevertheless on Thursday she came back with the pen. Really fanciful, blue in colour, with a heart-shape on top and a teddy bear sitting in the middle of the heart-shape. Adrian gave her a good scolding when he realised that the pen cost $1.50, 50 cents more than her daily allowance, which means she went hungry during recess and borrowed 50 cents from Nathanial besides. I suspected something was amiss, so I didn't reprimand her but told her to work out a plan to repay her brother the 50 cents she borrowed. (She has no access to her savings, they each have a piggy bank which is locked by a number lock which only I have access to, as well as a cardboard box to drop 10 cents in a day for the weekly poor contribution.) True enough, my mother's instinct was proven right on Saturday when Natalie presented me the pen as a Mothert's Day present. I was really touched. She looked into every detail, including buying the pen in my favourite blue colour rather than her favourite pink or red. More importantly, she forbade everyone including Adrian and Nathanial and my father-in-law and even herself from using that pen, because that is "Mommy's Special Pen". Near tears.
I feel really blessed, especially this hyear. My expectations in life seems to have reduced a lot in the past 2 years since I have become a Christian, and I am definitely a much happier person. I no longer worry about where I am to get the next meal or where I am to find money to buy the next set of assessment, for I am certain that if it is God's will, He will provide. I no longer worry about how much money is left in my bank account, but focus fully on how much treasure I can store up in heaven in the form of saving the lost and helping the needy. When I focus on other people and not on myself, I feel so much more at peace with myself. God, thank You for the miracles you've put in my life, I can never do without You ever again. Amen.
First and foremost, most of you must already know that my father-in-law started studying the Bible formally today, Mother's Day. From what I gathered from the brothers he studied with as well as Alvin Fan who spent a little time with them, my father-in-law was very open and in fact seems to have already decided before the study that he will accept Christ as his Saviour.He went as far as to learn how to pray in today's session, which lasted over an hour and a half. What a breakthrough!
I also managed to invite my ex-babysitter to the service, although she did not mingle around and left immediately after the service. But it's still a good start, considering how she used to forbid my kids to say grace when having meals at her place.
Just before service started this morning, I received a surprised call from an ex-visitor brought to church last July by Veron whom she got to know during the racial harmony day. She said she was on the way to our church and wanted me to meet her at level 2. Turned out that she has been attending another church as she could carpool with a colleague living nearby, but right now she is on 6 monthsunpaid leave. Besides she was late today so she decided to come to our church which was just 5 minutes' drive away from home. I'm telling her how worshipping God is the same at any church. hoping that she would take the convenient way out and come to our church regularly from now on. Besides, her son is on good terms with Tiffany, Maria's daughter, so it really is a win-win situation. Will be spending time with her on Tuesday morning, pray for me that we have a fruitful session together.
I have established even closer ties with a neighbouring family with a Taiwanese mother. Now that she is feeling unwell from her first trimester of pregnancy, I have offered to provide lunch and dinner for her 4yo FOC. I also took this opportunity to invite her to our Chinese service, since she goes to Marine Parade with other Taiwanese mothers in the neighbourhood and the journey is too long for her to take it at the moment. Besides the service there is from 11.30am to 2pm, which is really awkward timing for lunch. She is seriously considering it for short term. Please pray that she comes and we can move her to stay on beyond this period of discomfort.
Last but not least, on Wednesday Natalie came back telling me there's a special pen she really loved selling at the school bookshop. She asked for extra money to buy it, but I refused, saying that a P1 child doesn't do her work with pens. Besides I always bulk purchase at value$, which costs 10 cents a pen approximately. Nevertheless on Thursday she came back with the pen. Really fanciful, blue in colour, with a heart-shape on top and a teddy bear sitting in the middle of the heart-shape. Adrian gave her a good scolding when he realised that the pen cost $1.50, 50 cents more than her daily allowance, which means she went hungry during recess and borrowed 50 cents from Nathanial besides. I suspected something was amiss, so I didn't reprimand her but told her to work out a plan to repay her brother the 50 cents she borrowed. (She has no access to her savings, they each have a piggy bank which is locked by a number lock which only I have access to, as well as a cardboard box to drop 10 cents in a day for the weekly poor contribution.) True enough, my mother's instinct was proven right on Saturday when Natalie presented me the pen as a Mothert's Day present. I was really touched. She looked into every detail, including buying the pen in my favourite blue colour rather than her favourite pink or red. More importantly, she forbade everyone including Adrian and Nathanial and my father-in-law and even herself from using that pen, because that is "Mommy's Special Pen". Near tears.
I feel really blessed, especially this hyear. My expectations in life seems to have reduced a lot in the past 2 years since I have become a Christian, and I am definitely a much happier person. I no longer worry about where I am to get the next meal or where I am to find money to buy the next set of assessment, for I am certain that if it is God's will, He will provide. I no longer worry about how much money is left in my bank account, but focus fully on how much treasure I can store up in heaven in the form of saving the lost and helping the needy. When I focus on other people and not on myself, I feel so much more at peace with myself. God, thank You for the miracles you've put in my life, I can never do without You ever again. Amen.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
It's time to rock and roll!
For one rare moment in my life, words have failed me. My joy is beyond the description of any human language, and I am absolutely moved to tears by the way God has planned for things to work out. My father-in-law has finally committed himself to attending every Sunday Chinese service, after which he will study the Bible. Much as I have been praying for this to happen, and much I have been visualising him accepting Jesus as his Saviour and getting baptised, his decision to commit his time to studying the Bible still caught me very much by surprise. I wasn't there to witness the session this evening as I was at the Good Enough Parenting, but I heard from Adrian that Pa was pretty open about himself, which really isn't something we would expect considering his past. Nevertheless, we will leave him in the good hands of brothers Kwok Yew, Johnson and two others studying with him and keep ourselves away, for it must be awkward to have either of us sitting in due to our close relationship and the generation gap.
The biggest hurdle has now been crossed. It's now a matter of time before Pa accepts Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. It is not too early to party, is it? Come rock and roll with me! And thanks for all the prayers all these years!
Love, Carol
The biggest hurdle has now been crossed. It's now a matter of time before Pa accepts Jesus as his Lord and Saviour. It is not too early to party, is it? Come rock and roll with me! And thanks for all the prayers all these years!
Love, Carol
Friday, May 8, 2009
In Christ Alone...
In Christ alone I find peace and tranquility. I also find the satisfaction of contentment and the joy to give. Recalling the SEA Conference when I housed 6 Christians from KL (8 initially but 2 single brothers went over to Darren and Esther's instead), these days when I provide lunch and dinner for my neighbour's 3yo son as she is 2mth pregnant and too exhausted to cook or take care of him, as well as the ability to teach a single mum sister's son without charging her any fees, I feel the blessings God has given me to be able to share what I have with the less fortunate. I may not be well-off financially, as a matter of fact we struggloe every month to make ends meet, but I praise the Lord for providing me with enough to cover my heavy medical expenses and yet provide for others. I really believe that God gave me this illness for a reason, at least it was this illness that resulted in me bearing one fruit last year after the Good Enough Parenting course. I am sure there are other reasons for the illness and other ways God can use me, I am just waiting patiently for God to unfold His plans.
Lord, I'm ready, please use me for your purpose.
Amen.
Lord, I'm ready, please use me for your purpose.
Amen.
A Lesson on Patience and Persistence
As many of you may have read from today's headlines on the Straits Times, Mas Selamat has been captured and detained in Malaysia for interrogation. It brings to mind many unanswered questions as well as realisation of the power of collaboration in working together. What, you might ask, are the correlations? Am I mad? No, of course I'm not mad, at least not yet.
According to the report, Mas Selamat was captured along the outskirts of JB on April 1 following some leads from our ISD, but news of the arrest has not been released by the Malaysian authorities until yesterday. Why is that so? He is after all our wanted man, not Malaysia's! Well, I guess the fact that the Malaysians caught him and not us gives them the right to interrogate Mas Selamat first and decide when they are ready to inform our authorities when they are ready. After all Mas Selamat is a highly dangerous figure and could sabotage not only Singapore but Malaysia as well. A ruthless man trained in military in Afghanistan and head of JI singapore, he must be capable of all terrorist activities. No country he steps foot upon is safe. Isn't he just like Satan, a time bomb that will go off any moment if we don't guard our hearts consistently and be submissive to God at all times? We trust the authorities to keep us safe, just like we trust God to keep us safe. And we have faith in the authorities to one day capture Mas Selamat again, just like we have faith in God to reveal His plans for us one day, according to His will.
It was sheer collaboration between ISD and Malaysian and Indonesian authorities over the past 8 years that landed Mas Selamat in detention three times, this being the fourth. Without this close ties between the countries and willingness to collaborate with one another, we would not be able to keep Mas Selamat under lock and key and hence keeping our countries terrorism-free. Look at the price paid when collaboration was not there the first time round when Mas Selamat was captured and detained in Bintang. He served his sentence and was set free to plan and create more havoc in the region. Had the Indonesian authorities extradite him straight to Singapore after he finished serving his sentence in Indonesia, we would have been able to keep him away earlier, and he would have less chance to get in touch and recruit more JI members in the region. I think this is a true reflection of our lives. We as Christians live a life of collaboration (aka accountability) with one another as well as with God. When we run into a problem, we don't keep mum and try to solve it ourselves. Rather, we should seek the advice of our brothers and sisters and pray hard about it. Somehow the answer will come if we have enough faith.
Some of you may know that for a few years I struggled with the decision of where to send my kids to for primary school education. Mee Toh came at the right/wrong time. I am a person who really emphasises on academic excellence as well as bilingualism, naturally Mee Toh became the ideal choice of school for my kids. Yet I know that it would be a huge spiritual struggle, I don't want them to be exposed to Buddhism at such a young and impressionable age. But I seriously doubted that Edgefield Primary was good enough. After all I only hear positive comments from Dennis + Pauline and Tony + Ling2. Everywhere else I hear negative remarks and how parents gtry ways and means to transfer their kids to Mee Toh. And my Higher Chinese from P1, which was offered only in Mee Toh and not Edgefield. I prayer and prayed and prayed, but nothing happened for over a year. And the time for registering them for P1 was drawing closer day after day. One morning, just as I had finished my QT and prayed, for some strange reason I just flipped through Psalms. And for some strange reason not related to that particular Psalm I was reading, I seemed to hear a voice telling me that Edgefield is the right school, and Higher Chinese should not be a deterring reason to stop me from sending them there. I listened to this sound faithfully and guess what I was rewarded with? Higher Chinese from P1 for this batch onwards!!! To date, I am very happy with the support the school and the teachers have given to my kids, especially during the time when I was acting up and got myself in the hospital. The school counsellor and form teachers saw my kids together as well as separately to explain to them the stress I was undergoing and what I did was wrong, but I did it nevertheless so that I won't take it out on them. They are a lot more sensitive to my roller coaster emotions now than before, and this I have to thank the school for it. And I see the two of them blooming, one in ballet, another academically as well as looking forward to joining soccer as CCA. what else can I ask for?
I have been a very blessed person, both before and after I became a disciple. Never mind the hardships I had to go through to be what I am today, they were preparations for the me I am today. Looking back, I have been patient and persistent to lead a life of my own desire, and I chose to follow Jesus and carry my cross rather than carry the family traditional burden. My parents and father-in-law have accepted our decision despite the fact that my mum was so against me becoming a Christian and threatened me emotionally for not tending to their needs when I first started going to church regularly on Sundays. Being a stubborn mule who always wanted my own way, I never relented.
Now my patience and persistence have finally paid off, just like ISD's patience and persistence in capturing Mas Selamat. Don't you now think there indeed is a correlation between the two?
According to the report, Mas Selamat was captured along the outskirts of JB on April 1 following some leads from our ISD, but news of the arrest has not been released by the Malaysian authorities until yesterday. Why is that so? He is after all our wanted man, not Malaysia's! Well, I guess the fact that the Malaysians caught him and not us gives them the right to interrogate Mas Selamat first and decide when they are ready to inform our authorities when they are ready. After all Mas Selamat is a highly dangerous figure and could sabotage not only Singapore but Malaysia as well. A ruthless man trained in military in Afghanistan and head of JI singapore, he must be capable of all terrorist activities. No country he steps foot upon is safe. Isn't he just like Satan, a time bomb that will go off any moment if we don't guard our hearts consistently and be submissive to God at all times? We trust the authorities to keep us safe, just like we trust God to keep us safe. And we have faith in the authorities to one day capture Mas Selamat again, just like we have faith in God to reveal His plans for us one day, according to His will.
It was sheer collaboration between ISD and Malaysian and Indonesian authorities over the past 8 years that landed Mas Selamat in detention three times, this being the fourth. Without this close ties between the countries and willingness to collaborate with one another, we would not be able to keep Mas Selamat under lock and key and hence keeping our countries terrorism-free. Look at the price paid when collaboration was not there the first time round when Mas Selamat was captured and detained in Bintang. He served his sentence and was set free to plan and create more havoc in the region. Had the Indonesian authorities extradite him straight to Singapore after he finished serving his sentence in Indonesia, we would have been able to keep him away earlier, and he would have less chance to get in touch and recruit more JI members in the region. I think this is a true reflection of our lives. We as Christians live a life of collaboration (aka accountability) with one another as well as with God. When we run into a problem, we don't keep mum and try to solve it ourselves. Rather, we should seek the advice of our brothers and sisters and pray hard about it. Somehow the answer will come if we have enough faith.
Some of you may know that for a few years I struggled with the decision of where to send my kids to for primary school education. Mee Toh came at the right/wrong time. I am a person who really emphasises on academic excellence as well as bilingualism, naturally Mee Toh became the ideal choice of school for my kids. Yet I know that it would be a huge spiritual struggle, I don't want them to be exposed to Buddhism at such a young and impressionable age. But I seriously doubted that Edgefield Primary was good enough. After all I only hear positive comments from Dennis + Pauline and Tony + Ling2. Everywhere else I hear negative remarks and how parents gtry ways and means to transfer their kids to Mee Toh. And my Higher Chinese from P1, which was offered only in Mee Toh and not Edgefield. I prayer and prayed and prayed, but nothing happened for over a year. And the time for registering them for P1 was drawing closer day after day. One morning, just as I had finished my QT and prayed, for some strange reason I just flipped through Psalms. And for some strange reason not related to that particular Psalm I was reading, I seemed to hear a voice telling me that Edgefield is the right school, and Higher Chinese should not be a deterring reason to stop me from sending them there. I listened to this sound faithfully and guess what I was rewarded with? Higher Chinese from P1 for this batch onwards!!! To date, I am very happy with the support the school and the teachers have given to my kids, especially during the time when I was acting up and got myself in the hospital. The school counsellor and form teachers saw my kids together as well as separately to explain to them the stress I was undergoing and what I did was wrong, but I did it nevertheless so that I won't take it out on them. They are a lot more sensitive to my roller coaster emotions now than before, and this I have to thank the school for it. And I see the two of them blooming, one in ballet, another academically as well as looking forward to joining soccer as CCA. what else can I ask for?
I have been a very blessed person, both before and after I became a disciple. Never mind the hardships I had to go through to be what I am today, they were preparations for the me I am today. Looking back, I have been patient and persistent to lead a life of my own desire, and I chose to follow Jesus and carry my cross rather than carry the family traditional burden. My parents and father-in-law have accepted our decision despite the fact that my mum was so against me becoming a Christian and threatened me emotionally for not tending to their needs when I first started going to church regularly on Sundays. Being a stubborn mule who always wanted my own way, I never relented.
Now my patience and persistence have finally paid off, just like ISD's patience and persistence in capturing Mas Selamat. Don't you now think there indeed is a correlation between the two?
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Sowing seeds
Feeling so fired up after almost half a year of dry spell. It's just so easy to give up when everyone you attempt to talk to slam in your face that they are not interested in your church or some other earthly reasons. Not even when you share with them the good news of marriage and parenting workshop, for so few are willing to admit that they have a problem with either issue. And the most common excuse is Friday is the most popular evening for tuition and whatever enrichment classes.
Last Sunday brought my father-in-law to the Hokkien service. Brother Kok Yew actually managed to set up a 'friendship-building' cum bible study session with him coming Friday. Glory be to God and thanks to all of you who have been praying with me for so long! Then I managed to invite my children's ex-babysitter to come for the Chinese service this Sunday to celebrate Mother's Day. I'm so thankful to God for this successful invitation for she spends every single Saturday and Sunday going dating with her husband, and this is going to be one special occasion when she leaves him at home (she said he won't be interested in oldies). And when my kids were3 at her place, she would tell them to take their meals and need not say grace, for her family is Taoist and God will not hear the grace they said. What a surprise that she accepted my invitation immediately! Please pray with me that some golden girls will help reach out to her and make her feel at home.
I also tried to invite the grandmother of one of my students but she declined, saying thaat every Sunday she would visit another son. And being Mother's day, she would be busy with her children celebrating for her. Just as I thought it was a case closed, last night my student asked me about Christianity, with many interesting questions like, "Is Satan a devil god?", "Is God alive?", "Is Jesus alive?", "Have you seen Jesus?", "Why are you a Christian even though you are a Chinese?", etc etc etc... I ended up spending part of our lesson telling him a super concised story of both OT and NT and he got really excited about knowing more. I have invited him to Friday's ranger class, fingers crossed he gets permission from his mother to attend class. He is even talking about taking his 12yo sister along, though I explained to him that she would be in another class for Pre-Teens. Nevertheless, he is still very excited at the prospects of attending ranger class, and I'm so fired up! Not KK yet, I don't want to push my luck too far. Ranger class is good enough for a start, I'm sure, for it is a great opportunity for friendship building.
From this experience, I see that God has been really kind to me. Despite the fact that I waivered in my faith of my ability to sow seeds when the going gets tough, God is there creating ever more opportunities for me, just waiting for me to take hold of them and fully exploit them. I feel so fired up now that I want to invite all the aunties in the neighbourhood I know, as well as my own aunts and Adrian's. I'm feeling all fired up again, just like I did when Natalie got baptised and when I brought Auntie Mary to church. Oh Lord, may this fire never waiver and die again, but continue to burn strong for You and to do your course. Amen.
Last Sunday brought my father-in-law to the Hokkien service. Brother Kok Yew actually managed to set up a 'friendship-building' cum bible study session with him coming Friday. Glory be to God and thanks to all of you who have been praying with me for so long! Then I managed to invite my children's ex-babysitter to come for the Chinese service this Sunday to celebrate Mother's Day. I'm so thankful to God for this successful invitation for she spends every single Saturday and Sunday going dating with her husband, and this is going to be one special occasion when she leaves him at home (she said he won't be interested in oldies). And when my kids were3 at her place, she would tell them to take their meals and need not say grace, for her family is Taoist and God will not hear the grace they said. What a surprise that she accepted my invitation immediately! Please pray with me that some golden girls will help reach out to her and make her feel at home.
I also tried to invite the grandmother of one of my students but she declined, saying thaat every Sunday she would visit another son. And being Mother's day, she would be busy with her children celebrating for her. Just as I thought it was a case closed, last night my student asked me about Christianity, with many interesting questions like, "Is Satan a devil god?", "Is God alive?", "Is Jesus alive?", "Have you seen Jesus?", "Why are you a Christian even though you are a Chinese?", etc etc etc... I ended up spending part of our lesson telling him a super concised story of both OT and NT and he got really excited about knowing more. I have invited him to Friday's ranger class, fingers crossed he gets permission from his mother to attend class. He is even talking about taking his 12yo sister along, though I explained to him that she would be in another class for Pre-Teens. Nevertheless, he is still very excited at the prospects of attending ranger class, and I'm so fired up! Not KK yet, I don't want to push my luck too far. Ranger class is good enough for a start, I'm sure, for it is a great opportunity for friendship building.
From this experience, I see that God has been really kind to me. Despite the fact that I waivered in my faith of my ability to sow seeds when the going gets tough, God is there creating ever more opportunities for me, just waiting for me to take hold of them and fully exploit them. I feel so fired up now that I want to invite all the aunties in the neighbourhood I know, as well as my own aunts and Adrian's. I'm feeling all fired up again, just like I did when Natalie got baptised and when I brought Auntie Mary to church. Oh Lord, may this fire never waiver and die again, but continue to burn strong for You and to do your course. Amen.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
More Blessings...
Seems like everyone has been very busy. No one has been posting on the blog page. Yeah, it's SA1 time, no wonder. I myself have been laden with students' last minute revisions. Why last minute? Because everyone has been falling ill due to the pressure! One of my P4 boys have been having stomach flu and have been vomiting and leaving school early almost everyday for the past 3.5 weeks! I'm not at all envious of the kids these days... I largely leave my kids alone. They refuse to acknowledge my authority as a teacher and refuse to do any assessments for me. I'm not too worried except for their attitude. After all Nathanial is coping very well and Natalie is not one to be pushed too hard.
Neighbour's Taiwanese wife is 2 months pregnant. Absolutely beat, retching all day and have no energy to take care of her 3yo son or cook for him. Started to provide him with lunch and dinner to take a load off the couple's mind. I feel really blessed that I have the means to help, to be able to help, and that my offer to help is being accepted. Beginning to understand what it means by giving is more fortunate than receiving, 施比受更有福!
Feel also very much blessed that after much praying and 'scheming', finally got Brother Kok Yew to set up the first study with my father-in-law this Friday evening. Really looking forward to Friday approaching. Please pray for us for my father-in-law to be open and receptive to the biblical teachings, so that he may soon join us in God's kingdom.
Love you all,
Carol
Neighbour's Taiwanese wife is 2 months pregnant. Absolutely beat, retching all day and have no energy to take care of her 3yo son or cook for him. Started to provide him with lunch and dinner to take a load off the couple's mind. I feel really blessed that I have the means to help, to be able to help, and that my offer to help is being accepted. Beginning to understand what it means by giving is more fortunate than receiving, 施比受更有福!
Feel also very much blessed that after much praying and 'scheming', finally got Brother Kok Yew to set up the first study with my father-in-law this Friday evening. Really looking forward to Friday approaching. Please pray for us for my father-in-law to be open and receptive to the biblical teachings, so that he may soon join us in God's kingdom.
Love you all,
Carol
Monday, April 27, 2009
Entitlement
It has never occurred to me all my life that I could have the schema aka character defect 'entitlement'. After all, I lived practically all my life pleasing people and trying to get into people's good books as one of my top most priority. It was not until I became a disciple that I came to terms with who I am and God really doesn't care if I worked overtime or suck up to Him. And the schema workshop really opened my eyes wide to the truth about this defectiveness in my character. Yet I found it difficult to accept it as I see myself as a person going all out to please people, not one who expects people to go all out to do things for me.
After becoming a disciple and learning to live my life Christlike, I have become much more open and friendly as a person, even to strangers. It has become much easier to smile from the bottom of my heart, to evangelise, to approach strangers, even just to say hello to an unfriendly neighbour.
Had a quick lunch this afternoon before rushing to school to meet the twins, for today is Natalie's ballet class and we do not get home until about 4pm. After the meal when I was still finishing my drink, the cleaner came to clear up my emptied dish. This particular cleaner has been working at this coffee shop for ages, and is notorious for her bad temper and her grouchy face. I have heard comments like if she ever smiled, Singapore would snow. When she came over to clear my dish, I automatically gave her a smile and thanked her. To my utmost surprise, she went absolutely flabbergasted and stuttered, "You are welcome," in Chinese. And her normally stern and grouchy face broke into an awkward kind of smile like it had long forgotten how its features ought to be arranged in a smile.
This incident had me plunge deep in thoughts. So many people are being taken for granted in their vocation day in day out, especially those in the service industry, more so the lowly educated holding lowly positions.And all it took to make the cleaner's day was a slight smile of appreciation and a simple word of thanks. How much better a place the world would be if only everyone could just make a little effort to bring a smile onto a stranger's face each day. I'm resolved to start bringing a heartfelt smile to at least one stranger's face a day from today onwards. What about you?
After becoming a disciple and learning to live my life Christlike, I have become much more open and friendly as a person, even to strangers. It has become much easier to smile from the bottom of my heart, to evangelise, to approach strangers, even just to say hello to an unfriendly neighbour.
Had a quick lunch this afternoon before rushing to school to meet the twins, for today is Natalie's ballet class and we do not get home until about 4pm. After the meal when I was still finishing my drink, the cleaner came to clear up my emptied dish. This particular cleaner has been working at this coffee shop for ages, and is notorious for her bad temper and her grouchy face. I have heard comments like if she ever smiled, Singapore would snow. When she came over to clear my dish, I automatically gave her a smile and thanked her. To my utmost surprise, she went absolutely flabbergasted and stuttered, "You are welcome," in Chinese. And her normally stern and grouchy face broke into an awkward kind of smile like it had long forgotten how its features ought to be arranged in a smile.
This incident had me plunge deep in thoughts. So many people are being taken for granted in their vocation day in day out, especially those in the service industry, more so the lowly educated holding lowly positions.And all it took to make the cleaner's day was a slight smile of appreciation and a simple word of thanks. How much better a place the world would be if only everyone could just make a little effort to bring a smile onto a stranger's face each day. I'm resolved to start bringing a heartfelt smile to at least one stranger's face a day from today onwards. What about you?
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Prayers and Sharings
Great lesson from John and Karen this evening. Guess they've put my innermost thoughts of many years into words. Through their preaching, I realised how much God has blessed me over the years even when I was still a pagan and sinning against Him. He showed me how dysfunctional my own family was, and what I need to do in order to break the vicious cycle and give my children a sound and functioning family. No doubt I still fall into sin's ways for I am imperfect, but I realise it fairly quickly and repent readily and apologise to my husband and kids, so that minimal damage is done. And I praise God for giving me the ability to and instilling in me the idea to get a postgraduate diploma in teaching, for now is the time my kids need me most and I can stay home for them, teach them myself and yet earn extra income for the family by teaching.
I'm glad my kids are sensitive and intelligent kids despite the fact that they can throw unreasonable tantrums at times. They are aware of my actions of evangelising to their friends' parents, and they help me by telling their friends about God. Unfortunately many of their friends are Muslims and are hence unreceptive to the idea, but I'm proud to say they never give up. And I love those cosy moments when we share with one another what we learn on Sundays in church and during our devos (yes, Nathanial is doing his own devo with minimal guidance now!!!). I would share with them the sermons and what I learnt from it including the verses which we will look up in their Bibles, and they in turn would share with me whjat they learnt at Kids' Kingdom. We would then conclude with the lesson we've learnt and a prayer before we retire for the night. This is my favourite time, though sadly it happens just once a week on Sunday. Other nights from Mondays to Thursdays I have tuition and Fridays are for midweek. Really looking forward to the time when they are older and have a later bedtime so that we may share more of such cosy moments together.
Spewaking about cosy moments, I'm toying with the idea of adopting a baby when my kids are older, perhaps in upper primary or lower secondary, when they no longer want me buzzing around their heads. But this is a major decision and Adrian and I really find it hard to come to an agreement with it despite having discussed about it for over 5 years now. Please pray for us to do God's bidding.
Love,
Carol
I'm glad my kids are sensitive and intelligent kids despite the fact that they can throw unreasonable tantrums at times. They are aware of my actions of evangelising to their friends' parents, and they help me by telling their friends about God. Unfortunately many of their friends are Muslims and are hence unreceptive to the idea, but I'm proud to say they never give up. And I love those cosy moments when we share with one another what we learn on Sundays in church and during our devos (yes, Nathanial is doing his own devo with minimal guidance now!!!). I would share with them the sermons and what I learnt from it including the verses which we will look up in their Bibles, and they in turn would share with me whjat they learnt at Kids' Kingdom. We would then conclude with the lesson we've learnt and a prayer before we retire for the night. This is my favourite time, though sadly it happens just once a week on Sunday. Other nights from Mondays to Thursdays I have tuition and Fridays are for midweek. Really looking forward to the time when they are older and have a later bedtime so that we may share more of such cosy moments together.
Spewaking about cosy moments, I'm toying with the idea of adopting a baby when my kids are older, perhaps in upper primary or lower secondary, when they no longer want me buzzing around their heads. But this is a major decision and Adrian and I really find it hard to come to an agreement with it despite having discussed about it for over 5 years now. Please pray for us to do God's bidding.
Love,
Carol
Friday, April 24, 2009
Hi, an update from me!
Glad I found my way back to the blog. I was feeling so lost without it. No doubt I still carry on with my daily walk with God through journaling, but it is just different from sharing my innermost thoughts with all of you and receiving your encouragements. Praise be to God that technology is so advanced these days and electronic appliances are so cheap in Singapore. I actually got my new Acer AspireOne notebook brand new for S$599,$200 cheaper than market rate for this is my birthday month. Back to civilization!!! Back to listening to songs and blogging at the same time!!! Such is the joy of technology!
For those of you who have been worried about me and my condition, well, I'm not exactly at top form. I have to skip my meds on Fridays and Saturdays so I don't turn zombie the next day and can spend time wityh the family. However this results in instability in my emotions. Just thois afternoon, I went on a manic episode and spent a fortune at Compass Point within a short span of half an hour. How I managed it is beyond my comprehension.
Haven't been exactly a bed of roses either where tuition is concerned. With my emotions roller coastering, obviously I'm not in a top form to teach. Well, fortunately I do have a passion to teach, so I don't shortchange the kids or their parengts. But right after classes I need so many tranquilizers to calm myself down that I fear my nervous system is going to break down soon.
I now have a part time helper as some of you know. A China woman who has settled down in Singapore with her family, she comes once every fortnight to clean the house. It has really taken a great load off my shoulders, for I can't give household chores one of my top priorities. And to make things better, I teach her 4-year-old daughter English while she works for me free of charge. God is such a great God, He knows my exact struggles and provides befitting solutions for them. Amen!
It was a great experience housing brothers and sisters overseas during the SEA Conference. I never believed it until now, but serving really brings a huge learning process to us. It was a sheer pleasure to be able to host a family of 4 and another couple without kids, and just like ZQ said, it was such a disappointment when at the last minute 2 single brothers were sent to Darren and Esther Kwok's place instead. Crammed as it may be, it was a great experience and we enjoyed great fellowship, the sisters, the brothers as well as the kids. I'm already looking forward to the next SEA Conference when I can host more people, perhaps from more challenging countries like Indonesia, Vietnam and Cambodia.
Looking forward to seeing you all tonight at midweek. Next week Adrian will be in KL on business, need your support to carry on, especially with SA1 so near around the corner.
Love,
Carol
For those of you who have been worried about me and my condition, well, I'm not exactly at top form. I have to skip my meds on Fridays and Saturdays so I don't turn zombie the next day and can spend time wityh the family. However this results in instability in my emotions. Just thois afternoon, I went on a manic episode and spent a fortune at Compass Point within a short span of half an hour. How I managed it is beyond my comprehension.
Haven't been exactly a bed of roses either where tuition is concerned. With my emotions roller coastering, obviously I'm not in a top form to teach. Well, fortunately I do have a passion to teach, so I don't shortchange the kids or their parengts. But right after classes I need so many tranquilizers to calm myself down that I fear my nervous system is going to break down soon.
I now have a part time helper as some of you know. A China woman who has settled down in Singapore with her family, she comes once every fortnight to clean the house. It has really taken a great load off my shoulders, for I can't give household chores one of my top priorities. And to make things better, I teach her 4-year-old daughter English while she works for me free of charge. God is such a great God, He knows my exact struggles and provides befitting solutions for them. Amen!
It was a great experience housing brothers and sisters overseas during the SEA Conference. I never believed it until now, but serving really brings a huge learning process to us. It was a sheer pleasure to be able to host a family of 4 and another couple without kids, and just like ZQ said, it was such a disappointment when at the last minute 2 single brothers were sent to Darren and Esther Kwok's place instead. Crammed as it may be, it was a great experience and we enjoyed great fellowship, the sisters, the brothers as well as the kids. I'm already looking forward to the next SEA Conference when I can host more people, perhaps from more challenging countries like Indonesia, Vietnam and Cambodia.
Looking forward to seeing you all tonight at midweek. Next week Adrian will be in KL on business, need your support to carry on, especially with SA1 so near around the corner.
Love,
Carol
Sunday, March 15, 2009
What Kind of a person am I?
Went over to Dennis & Pauline's place last night for the soccer match. While we were watching the commentaries before the game began, by chance I looked out of the door and I told Adrian, "Chen Meiling". Of course he blur blur lah, out of the blue a common name like that. I further elaborated that my very close friend at NUS just walked past and apparently lives next door to Dennis and Pauline. He wouldn't believe me, went to the door and had a look for himself,and true enough it was the very person I was referring to.
To be honest, I have been avoiding my uni gang for the past 6 years. Come to think of it, even back in the uni days I've never put my heart and soul into the friendships that I had. I was like an animal in the jungle, taking every single tread cautiously, for fear of arousing the predator and become its prey. Yeah, I guess the metaphors are silly, me=prey, friendship=predator. Can friendship possibly consume me?
Yes, I believe I'm vulnerable enough to be consumed by friendship. Back in the uni days, I've adways told Adrian that I don't think my closest friends understood me better than him, to them I was probably just a clown or Jack-O-Box, waiting to spring surprises at them any moment and the clown of the clique. I never would allow deeper friendships to develop for fear of future disappointments and betrayal. What gave me this idea was probably due to my upbringing, how my Dad and Grandmother brainwashed me that I can't rely on friends forever. Cannot rely forever then don't bother to have lor! Haiz... talk about schemas...
Since I was diagnosed with clinical psychosis disorder, I have completely shut my life to them. Well, not only them as in my uni friends, but also the much closer bunch from our primary school. Not only because I don't trust friendships anymore, it is also because I haven't and cannot come to terms to what has become of me. You may think I'm open and vulnerable but that's only to God and you who are related to me by Christ's blood and the Holy Spirit, the truth is I still feel too proud to allow my old friends to know the drastic changes in my life the past 6 years. More importantly, I can't let them see a 24inch-turned-35inch-46kg-turned-60kg me. To cut it short, I can't accept the changes in me, and I cannot accept myself for whom I have become.
Kevin's sermon today was indeed inspiring and an eye-opener. I can't continue to dwell upon these worldly emotions and playing hide-and-seek with myself, I have a far more important task to do: God's job. How many fruit I bear is not the issue at all, the issue here is how many people come to know of God and convert through my efforts and how I display myself. I live in a world full of Satan's temptations, but God promised that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. And when I meet God on Judgement Day, I suppose He won't bother to ask me why has my waistline and weight increased so much. Lord, help me to focus less on my outward appearance and more on my inward character. Amen.
To be honest, I have been avoiding my uni gang for the past 6 years. Come to think of it, even back in the uni days I've never put my heart and soul into the friendships that I had. I was like an animal in the jungle, taking every single tread cautiously, for fear of arousing the predator and become its prey. Yeah, I guess the metaphors are silly, me=prey, friendship=predator. Can friendship possibly consume me?
Yes, I believe I'm vulnerable enough to be consumed by friendship. Back in the uni days, I've adways told Adrian that I don't think my closest friends understood me better than him, to them I was probably just a clown or Jack-O-Box, waiting to spring surprises at them any moment and the clown of the clique. I never would allow deeper friendships to develop for fear of future disappointments and betrayal. What gave me this idea was probably due to my upbringing, how my Dad and Grandmother brainwashed me that I can't rely on friends forever. Cannot rely forever then don't bother to have lor! Haiz... talk about schemas...
Since I was diagnosed with clinical psychosis disorder, I have completely shut my life to them. Well, not only them as in my uni friends, but also the much closer bunch from our primary school. Not only because I don't trust friendships anymore, it is also because I haven't and cannot come to terms to what has become of me. You may think I'm open and vulnerable but that's only to God and you who are related to me by Christ's blood and the Holy Spirit, the truth is I still feel too proud to allow my old friends to know the drastic changes in my life the past 6 years. More importantly, I can't let them see a 24inch-turned-35inch-46kg-turned-60kg me. To cut it short, I can't accept the changes in me, and I cannot accept myself for whom I have become.
Kevin's sermon today was indeed inspiring and an eye-opener. I can't continue to dwell upon these worldly emotions and playing hide-and-seek with myself, I have a far more important task to do: God's job. How many fruit I bear is not the issue at all, the issue here is how many people come to know of God and convert through my efforts and how I display myself. I live in a world full of Satan's temptations, but God promised that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. And when I meet God on Judgement Day, I suppose He won't bother to ask me why has my waistline and weight increased so much. Lord, help me to focus less on my outward appearance and more on my inward character. Amen.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Missing
As my sister mentioned in the ShoutBox, today is my Mum's 72nd birthday.
I was telling my son Ee Yeung about it this morning, and he asked me who will blow the candles since Ah Mah is not here. I think he thinks every birthday must be accompanied by a celebration and a birthday cake heheh. I told him exactly what Pauline said: God is celebrating with her in Heaven. She will have a big and awesome birthday cake :).
I guess there will be lots of celebration going on in Heaven. Sometimes I think of Heaven as a wonderful overseas holiday with family and friends.. a holiday that never ends.
I miss my Mum a lot. I am sure many of the sisters here have experienced such missing before. Missing so deep that it somethings makes the heart ache. But again, as Christians, we have hope of seeing our loved ones again. Sometimes I imagine that they have gone for a holiday overseas, to a place far away, on a different time zone such that we are not able to call by phone whenever we want.. but they are there. And come to think of it, isn't that true?
Ting
I was telling my son Ee Yeung about it this morning, and he asked me who will blow the candles since Ah Mah is not here. I think he thinks every birthday must be accompanied by a celebration and a birthday cake heheh. I told him exactly what Pauline said: God is celebrating with her in Heaven. She will have a big and awesome birthday cake :).
I guess there will be lots of celebration going on in Heaven. Sometimes I think of Heaven as a wonderful overseas holiday with family and friends.. a holiday that never ends.
I miss my Mum a lot. I am sure many of the sisters here have experienced such missing before. Missing so deep that it somethings makes the heart ache. But again, as Christians, we have hope of seeing our loved ones again. Sometimes I imagine that they have gone for a holiday overseas, to a place far away, on a different time zone such that we are not able to call by phone whenever we want.. but they are there. And come to think of it, isn't that true?
Ting
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Unpredictable
Verdelle's ballet classmate's mummy had just passed away. Friday the 13th. 14th is the wake.
She looked v young , I didn't know her age until today... 47 years old.
Doc couldn't find the reasons of her death. TIll now is still a question for her family.
She is very healthy, very motivated individual. No history of any health problems. Very health conscious. Drink "v ex" water, eat organic food , juice and strict diet.
She suddenly vomitted during her Tuesday lunch , fainted and were sent to the hospital immediately. 3 days later gone....
I just invited her for workshop...
No chance to say goodbye to her husband, 2 sons and a daughter..
Everyone is still in shocked.
LIfe is really so unpredictable, so uncertain...
I must treasure what I have, the people around me... and love them while I'm still around...
God will takes us anytime... I pray I will not regret anything before it's too late...
She looked v young , I didn't know her age until today... 47 years old.
Doc couldn't find the reasons of her death. TIll now is still a question for her family.
She is very healthy, very motivated individual. No history of any health problems. Very health conscious. Drink "v ex" water, eat organic food , juice and strict diet.
She suddenly vomitted during her Tuesday lunch , fainted and were sent to the hospital immediately. 3 days later gone....
I just invited her for workshop...
No chance to say goodbye to her husband, 2 sons and a daughter..
Everyone is still in shocked.
LIfe is really so unpredictable, so uncertain...
I must treasure what I have, the people around me... and love them while I'm still around...
God will takes us anytime... I pray I will not regret anything before it's too late...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Meeting the 'Unmeetables'
Feel much better today strangely. Perhaps it's because of Juvena, now that she is safely with God and no longer dangling somewhere in between, I feel happy for her in fact. To be dead yet alive is the most painful state one can ever be in, both for self and for family, so I think we could say things have ended well for Juvena.
Had some strange encounters lately. When Adrian was away in KL last week, I couldn't wake up in time to send the kids to school due to my medications being taken too late the night before. Then in a blurry state, I saw Natalie coming into the room to wake me up and Adrian telling her not to disturb my sleep. I immediately jumped up, remembering Adrian was away in KL. I had suficient time to pack the kids off to school and immediately called Adrian to see if he was well and ok. Don't say I superstitious, but the dream was so real.
Adrian has been down with a bad flu and cough for 4 days and on MC, back to work yesterday. His cough mixture knocks him out completely and I was sleeping like a dead log as I had insomnia last night andhad to rely on sleeping tablets. Suddenly someone in white robes entered my room without knocking, floating above ground. And in a very pleasant voice he said,"My dear disciple, you've got to wake up and get the kids ready for school, or they will realy be late." And with that, He lifted His arms and ascended through my ceiling. I woke up with a shock and realised that it was already 6.40am!
Gosh, I wonder who am I going to dream of next. I've seen God in a burning bush, Adrian appearing mysteriously when he should have ben in KL, now Jesus ascending heaven through my ceiling. I don't know how much more I can take. Honestly I feel a bit like Mavis Hee. Maybe one day I will come to you and demand that you call me your guardian angel!!! Hahaha!!!
Had some strange encounters lately. When Adrian was away in KL last week, I couldn't wake up in time to send the kids to school due to my medications being taken too late the night before. Then in a blurry state, I saw Natalie coming into the room to wake me up and Adrian telling her not to disturb my sleep. I immediately jumped up, remembering Adrian was away in KL. I had suficient time to pack the kids off to school and immediately called Adrian to see if he was well and ok. Don't say I superstitious, but the dream was so real.
Adrian has been down with a bad flu and cough for 4 days and on MC, back to work yesterday. His cough mixture knocks him out completely and I was sleeping like a dead log as I had insomnia last night andhad to rely on sleeping tablets. Suddenly someone in white robes entered my room without knocking, floating above ground. And in a very pleasant voice he said,"My dear disciple, you've got to wake up and get the kids ready for school, or they will realy be late." And with that, He lifted His arms and ascended through my ceiling. I woke up with a shock and realised that it was already 6.40am!
Gosh, I wonder who am I going to dream of next. I've seen God in a burning bush, Adrian appearing mysteriously when he should have ben in KL, now Jesus ascending heaven through my ceiling. I don't know how much more I can take. Honestly I feel a bit like Mavis Hee. Maybe one day I will come to you and demand that you call me your guardian angel!!! Hahaha!!!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
My Love is Like A Red, Red Rose - A Tribute to Juvena
My love is like a red, red rose,
All ready to blossom,
Just to be loved.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Seeking for a worthy owner,
One who will treasure me forever.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Ever yearning, ever looking forward,
To be home with my family.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Giving fragrance and light to all around me,
Brightening their lives, showing them the truth.
But my love is just like a red, red rose,
Not knowing when it will wither,
Not nowing if I will have time to do all that I want to accomplish.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Sweet and fragrant when fresh and fruitful,
Ragged and withered when God calls for me.
Is your love like a red, red rose just like mine?
Don't waste your life on earthly pleasures,
For you never know when God will call for you.
All ready to blossom,
Just to be loved.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Seeking for a worthy owner,
One who will treasure me forever.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Ever yearning, ever looking forward,
To be home with my family.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Giving fragrance and light to all around me,
Brightening their lives, showing them the truth.
But my love is just like a red, red rose,
Not knowing when it will wither,
Not nowing if I will have time to do all that I want to accomplish.
My love is like a red, red rose,
Sweet and fragrant when fresh and fruitful,
Ragged and withered when God calls for me.
Is your love like a red, red rose just like mine?
Don't waste your life on earthly pleasures,
For you never know when God will call for you.
Melancholy (Just, don't tell me it's another big word...)
Got the news of Juvena's condition this morning as I was doing my QT. Not a very nice time to hear not very nice news like that. Or perhaps God is in His way telling me that He has everything under His control, I should be just living my life for Him without worrying too much about what happens around me? That I should stop moping around and start doing something much more useful like saving even more lost souls so that fewer will be banished to the fires of hell?
Melancholy is always my weakness and strength. Weakness obviously because I can't function properly whenever any bad news happen, whether it is related to me or not. Yet it can be a strength as I can empathise with people around me who are suffering. Most importantly, this feeling of melancholy allows me to 'feel' the way poets of long ago feel, giving me good grades in Literature as well as in writing. So all 4 years in NUS I just had fun and 'keng' through without really much need to study lah.
But melancholy has gotten the better part of me this time round as I age. I realise I sink deeper and deeper into melancholy and it takes much more effort to recover from the melancholic state. Honest I don't know Juvena or her family in person. And I don't know the 17yo boy killed in the Chinatown incident. Yet I can't seem to get out of the melancholy and move on. I cried my heart out when I heard of the boy's death, and until today I am still very upset. As for Juvena, what a sight I was. Adrian has throat infection and I went to the clinic with him, got the news, thought about it, and kept crying as I came out of the clinic. People around must be thinking either Adrian or myself must have contracted some terminal illness!!!
Too emotional is bad. Too melancholic is a thousand times worse. I'm lucky I've past 28yo, so I know I won't die a young age like John Keats. But who knows if I will live a unhapy live like William Shakespeare? I'd still prefer to be Lee Kuan Yew, worying about nothing but the welfare of the people. Or lagi better, be Mahathir, jiak ba boh tai zi zo, find trouble with everyone who doesn't agree with him. Somehow he reminds me that it could be a blessing to be self-centered. But after much thoughts, I still like to be myself lah, all the strengths and weaknesses aside, for this is the ME that God created. Amen!
Melancholy is always my weakness and strength. Weakness obviously because I can't function properly whenever any bad news happen, whether it is related to me or not. Yet it can be a strength as I can empathise with people around me who are suffering. Most importantly, this feeling of melancholy allows me to 'feel' the way poets of long ago feel, giving me good grades in Literature as well as in writing. So all 4 years in NUS I just had fun and 'keng' through without really much need to study lah.
But melancholy has gotten the better part of me this time round as I age. I realise I sink deeper and deeper into melancholy and it takes much more effort to recover from the melancholic state. Honest I don't know Juvena or her family in person. And I don't know the 17yo boy killed in the Chinatown incident. Yet I can't seem to get out of the melancholy and move on. I cried my heart out when I heard of the boy's death, and until today I am still very upset. As for Juvena, what a sight I was. Adrian has throat infection and I went to the clinic with him, got the news, thought about it, and kept crying as I came out of the clinic. People around must be thinking either Adrian or myself must have contracted some terminal illness!!!
Too emotional is bad. Too melancholic is a thousand times worse. I'm lucky I've past 28yo, so I know I won't die a young age like John Keats. But who knows if I will live a unhapy live like William Shakespeare? I'd still prefer to be Lee Kuan Yew, worying about nothing but the welfare of the people. Or lagi better, be Mahathir, jiak ba boh tai zi zo, find trouble with everyone who doesn't agree with him. Somehow he reminds me that it could be a blessing to be self-centered. But after much thoughts, I still like to be myself lah, all the strengths and weaknesses aside, for this is the ME that God created. Amen!
Monday, January 19, 2009
Reflection from John's message on Fri and Sun
1 Tim 1 :18- .... so that by following them you may fight the good fight, holding on to fatih and a good conscience....
1) Fight the good fight.
I need to fight the right fight, spiritual fight and not small petty worldly things ... like how ppt will think of me... will they listen if i tell them the truth,,, will they don't like me...
I just need to decide to fight for their souls and get them right with God. Not only for friends in world but also christian in the church.
2) Dont' get shipwreck
1 Tim1: 19... some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.
I'm convicted! This give me a great alarm! A wake up bang too! My faith will get shipwreck if I'm not careful!
I need and must be humble and open about my sins and struggle. Not only open but must be humble to get help and discipling, so that nothing will shepwreck my faith.
I know alot ppt, because of lack of opening and humility to change, they got bitter and prideful and faithless in God. and they left the church and God.
DO I RUN AFTER DISCIPLING AND TAKING INPUT IN MY LIFE?
3) Practise and purge as we seek God
2 chron 34:1-8
Josiah practised as he went along in life.
I got to keep seeking God till the day I die.
But at same time I need to purge along the way.
There is power when we pracitse, DO IT!
We can be intelligent but spiritually dull.
I think I'm spiritual dull, cos i dont' have great faith like Josiah doing what is right despite anything!
I'm so convicted about this point too..
I need to purge my negative thoughts, lack of faith, selfishness, loving the lost and christians and leave my comfort zone.!
There're other points which are also good for me, but i guess i need to stop here for today...
Luv,
veron
1) Fight the good fight.
I need to fight the right fight, spiritual fight and not small petty worldly things ... like how ppt will think of me... will they listen if i tell them the truth,,, will they don't like me...
I just need to decide to fight for their souls and get them right with God. Not only for friends in world but also christian in the church.
2) Dont' get shipwreck
1 Tim1: 19... some have rejected these and so have shipwrecked their faith.
I'm convicted! This give me a great alarm! A wake up bang too! My faith will get shipwreck if I'm not careful!
I need and must be humble and open about my sins and struggle. Not only open but must be humble to get help and discipling, so that nothing will shepwreck my faith.
I know alot ppt, because of lack of opening and humility to change, they got bitter and prideful and faithless in God. and they left the church and God.
DO I RUN AFTER DISCIPLING AND TAKING INPUT IN MY LIFE?
3) Practise and purge as we seek God
2 chron 34:1-8
Josiah practised as he went along in life.
I got to keep seeking God till the day I die.
But at same time I need to purge along the way.
There is power when we pracitse, DO IT!
We can be intelligent but spiritually dull.
I think I'm spiritual dull, cos i dont' have great faith like Josiah doing what is right despite anything!
I'm so convicted about this point too..
I need to purge my negative thoughts, lack of faith, selfishness, loving the lost and christians and leave my comfort zone.!
There're other points which are also good for me, but i guess i need to stop here for today...
Luv,
veron
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Shepharding Your Flock
It's a nightmare being a shephard. Yes, you start the day by screaming at them to get out of bed or they'll be late for school/work, then you prepare lunchboxes for them, then you return to the rooms to give them the ultimatum before any of them would be frightened into action. Then comes the tantrums of not knowing how to button his shirt, not knowing how to zip up her dress from behind, not knowing what to eat for breakfast, not knowing how to put on their socks and shoes, not knowing left from right, well, not knowing anything on earth practically. That's why we the moms are the shephards. When they are finally coaxed out of the house and into the school, we finally can heave a sigh of relieve.
I can't imagine what Jesus had to go through being our shephard. I already find my role impossible. If I were given Jesus' role, I swear I would have called the angels to take me home even as I was fasting in the desert!!!
Jesus, I salute You for all you have endured and done for us. What a great shephard You are, and You will always be my role model. Amen!
I can't imagine what Jesus had to go through being our shephard. I already find my role impossible. If I were given Jesus' role, I swear I would have called the angels to take me home even as I was fasting in the desert!!!
Jesus, I salute You for all you have endured and done for us. What a great shephard You are, and You will always be my role model. Amen!
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