The twins just got back their English and Maths SA1 results. I have always guessed that Natalie's Maths results would be pretty far below Nathanial's as she has no interest in Maths. Besides she was running a fever of 38.3 deg when she took her Maths paper, emerging from the exam hall less than 40min after the paper started.
Looking at their grades, I am pleased to say that Natalie scored 60/65 for English and topped her class, even though the mistakes she made were really silly. Nathanial did even better, with 61.5/65 for English and some really silly mistakes.
For Maths, Nathanial scored a whooping 96/100 which really pleased me, while Natalie just managed to scrape through a Band 1 at 85/100. To be absolutely honest, anything below 90% for P1 and P2 is unsatisfactory for me. How I used to cane my sister for scoring 79% for Chinese when she was in P1 all the way to P4! Imagine my joy when she managed to be caned into scoring an 85%, Band 1 so that she qualified for EM1 and taking Higher Chinese! Obviojusly the parenting lessons have taught us not to do that anymore, but I can't deny I am disappointed and discontented with the grades Natalie has scored for Maths. Yes, I may accept her for who she is, what she can and cannot achieve, but I can't deny I am disappointed. I have real huge confessions to make before God, I'm afraid.
Showing posts with label Spiritual Battles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual Battles. Show all posts
Monday, May 18, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
H1N1 Scare
Amid the H1N1 Influenza virus fear and preventive measures taken by all countries globally, one is nevertheless fearful for themselves and their loved ones. The world has become highly mobile, with a large percentage of people living as global citizens, flying to many different countries frequently as their job requires them to. Inevitably they come into contact with many people from different backgrounds and nationalities and might well be carriers of the virus unknowingly. and the virus is coming closer to our home day after day, with 2 confirmed cases in our closest neighbour, Malaysia.
To be honest, I am really fearful of the virus. I believe that I am pretty safe, considering that I am usually either home or in school or buying groceries while travelling between the two places. And I just teach students at my home, so I don't even worry about meeting people and catching the virus. Physical health has generally improved tremendously for me this half a year ever since I started teaching at home. But I can't help worrying about my family. Adrian, for a start, is frequently travelling to KL, the capital of Malaysia and most crowded and cosmopolitan. And his resistance is pretty low right now, having been overworked and travelling too much for comfort.
I am extremely worried for my sis and brother-in-law who live in Virginia, near Washington D.C. Although these are not blacklisted states, they are required to travel within the States on their jobs too. That is scarier than travelling to another country!
I worry for my sister's parents-in-law. her father-in-law frequently travel to India, Europe and North America, spending only a quarter of his time at home aka Singapore. He is the true global citizen here and is at high risk of catching the virus. And if he becomes a carrier and comes back to Singapore, even if he does not fall ill himself, his wife will surely catch it as her health is generally very weak.
When the school reopens, I will be worried for my kids. Many children would have gone to Malaysia during the holidays, who knows where else. How nice it would be if everyone could just stay home and shut themselves up, going out only when absolutely necessary. Like this holidays, this is the first time I find both Costa Sands Resort (Pasir Ris) and Downtown East still fully available including weekends so close to the school holidays. And why so? Because the quarantine holiday resort Aloha Loyang is just right after Costa Sands (Pasir Ris)!
Fear. Worry. Troubled. I recall how paranoid I was when SARS occurred and I was first diagnosed with my psychotic illness. I recall how I would wake up in the middle of the night crying and breaking out in could sweat during the Tsunami period, seeing the vision of this Indonesian woman holding her drowned toddler and crying in vain. Yes, being fearful, worried and troubled are indeed sins, for these natural disasters are works of God after all. He must have his divine reasons for these disasters to happen, beyond our comprehension. No disasters on earth, no urgency to seek Him, no need to long to go home to Heaven. I've got to learn to contain all these negative emotions I have and focus my energies on saving more of the lost, so that more will come to know God and benefit when doomsday come.
To be honest, I am really fearful of the virus. I believe that I am pretty safe, considering that I am usually either home or in school or buying groceries while travelling between the two places. And I just teach students at my home, so I don't even worry about meeting people and catching the virus. Physical health has generally improved tremendously for me this half a year ever since I started teaching at home. But I can't help worrying about my family. Adrian, for a start, is frequently travelling to KL, the capital of Malaysia and most crowded and cosmopolitan. And his resistance is pretty low right now, having been overworked and travelling too much for comfort.
I am extremely worried for my sis and brother-in-law who live in Virginia, near Washington D.C. Although these are not blacklisted states, they are required to travel within the States on their jobs too. That is scarier than travelling to another country!
I worry for my sister's parents-in-law. her father-in-law frequently travel to India, Europe and North America, spending only a quarter of his time at home aka Singapore. He is the true global citizen here and is at high risk of catching the virus. And if he becomes a carrier and comes back to Singapore, even if he does not fall ill himself, his wife will surely catch it as her health is generally very weak.
When the school reopens, I will be worried for my kids. Many children would have gone to Malaysia during the holidays, who knows where else. How nice it would be if everyone could just stay home and shut themselves up, going out only when absolutely necessary. Like this holidays, this is the first time I find both Costa Sands Resort (Pasir Ris) and Downtown East still fully available including weekends so close to the school holidays. And why so? Because the quarantine holiday resort Aloha Loyang is just right after Costa Sands (Pasir Ris)!
Fear. Worry. Troubled. I recall how paranoid I was when SARS occurred and I was first diagnosed with my psychotic illness. I recall how I would wake up in the middle of the night crying and breaking out in could sweat during the Tsunami period, seeing the vision of this Indonesian woman holding her drowned toddler and crying in vain. Yes, being fearful, worried and troubled are indeed sins, for these natural disasters are works of God after all. He must have his divine reasons for these disasters to happen, beyond our comprehension. No disasters on earth, no urgency to seek Him, no need to long to go home to Heaven. I've got to learn to contain all these negative emotions I have and focus my energies on saving more of the lost, so that more will come to know God and benefit when doomsday come.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Attitude Problem
Having some attitude problem right now. Very grouchy and ready to pick a fight over any small matter. You see, Adrian will be gone for the whole June holidays and beyond. He's got reservist before the holidays start, and once the ICT is over, he has to immediately fly to Melbourne for 2 weeks, which means he'll be back only when school reopens. What am I supposed to do with the kids 4 weeks long??? I think I'm not going to give a heck about it and book a chalet and get away from home for a few days, even if finance is tight. I'm not going to get myself stuck at home. I'm really furious that things have turned out this way. The kids and I have been looking forward to the June holidays for so long, longing for Wild Wild Wet together with Adrian and now the whole month is burnt. Pig. Swine. Turtle. Mutant. Pissed. Attitude problem surfacing. I'll repent, but let me fume it out first. Fed up lah
Friday, March 27, 2009
Prayer - Guarding Hearts
Dear God,
I feel v happy today. Maybe I am relieved by 2 big tasks at work that just ended yesterday. Perhaps today is going to be a relaxing day at work (attending staff conference with tea-break provided in the morning) as well as attending team building in the pm, which should be something fun.
However, at the very back of my mind, there is a little burden I feel and I AM PRAYING to get it off complete. Basically I did a presentation for some students, together with a colleague yesterday, and guess what, at the end of it, a student commented that my presentation is not as good as hers.
On one note (trust me), I really really appreciate the student's feedback. On the other note, cannot help feeling discouraged. Somemore, my part was the only one that my boss attended. Not only, my boss but many colleagues as well ;) Actually it is good that I have the conviction that you were in charge, if not I would have been so much more discouraged hearing criticisms aka hearing the truth! But knowing you allow this to happen, I feel more secure, less worried.
The truth is my colleague is indeed a natural presenter and saleswoman, a much better one than me. So, what can I do about it? Just be humble and learn from her I guess. But it is difficult, difficult because of my schema of Unrelenting Standard. I tend to compare myself with those better. I find it difficult to forgive myself. I tend to be upset and blamed myself for not doing a better job.
Anyway, if I dwell more into it, I would have sinned against you. I want to repent quickly.
Read a verse this morning in:
Pro 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
How true. We must guard our own hearts everyday.
May I use today to guard my heart and be close to you.
Amen!
SK
I feel v happy today. Maybe I am relieved by 2 big tasks at work that just ended yesterday. Perhaps today is going to be a relaxing day at work (attending staff conference with tea-break provided in the morning) as well as attending team building in the pm, which should be something fun.
However, at the very back of my mind, there is a little burden I feel and I AM PRAYING to get it off complete. Basically I did a presentation for some students, together with a colleague yesterday, and guess what, at the end of it, a student commented that my presentation is not as good as hers.
On one note (trust me), I really really appreciate the student's feedback. On the other note, cannot help feeling discouraged. Somemore, my part was the only one that my boss attended. Not only, my boss but many colleagues as well ;) Actually it is good that I have the conviction that you were in charge, if not I would have been so much more discouraged hearing criticisms aka hearing the truth! But knowing you allow this to happen, I feel more secure, less worried.
The truth is my colleague is indeed a natural presenter and saleswoman, a much better one than me. So, what can I do about it? Just be humble and learn from her I guess. But it is difficult, difficult because of my schema of Unrelenting Standard. I tend to compare myself with those better. I find it difficult to forgive myself. I tend to be upset and blamed myself for not doing a better job.
Anyway, if I dwell more into it, I would have sinned against you. I want to repent quickly.
Read a verse this morning in:
Pro 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
How true. We must guard our own hearts everyday.
May I use today to guard my heart and be close to you.
Amen!
SK
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Fireproofing our marriages
Feel like there are still so many fire escapes left blocked up in case of fire. I hate to say this, but I get the feeling that our marriage are heading towards fire hazards. Don't misunderstand me, we have been doing pretty well even before we became disciples, discipleship only improved our relationship further. Yet with my psychotic condition, I don't know where that'll lead us and our family.
Had my medical review last Friday, doc gave me a whole new cocktail of medicines. Yeah, for those of you unfamiliar with psychosis, we talk about our medicines as 'cocktails'. Simply because we have to get the right portion mixed together to make it work, and not everytime it works. Like this time, didn't change cocktail what, ended up still on the roller coaster, doc had to give me new medicines to 'try' and give it 3 WEEKS for it to take effect. Either he is joking or he thinks I'm a guinae pig...
With a condition like that, where to find energy to fireproof my marriage? I'm a walking zombie when I'm awake, a light, violent sleeper when asleep. The only people who dare to sleep next to me are my Snoopies and teddy bears. How to fireproof the marriage then?? Fortunately Adrian understands how I feel, but I can't take this as an excuse not to fulfill my duty as a wife. I just find it so irksome when he tries to get intimate with me. I know he has his needs and I have mine too, but I really don't know what to do. And the constant need to be on hormones to control my endometriosis really makes me feel robbed of my womanhood, the right to have children the natural way. God, make me feel woman again so that I may serve my husband please. In Your Son's most precious name, Amen.
Had my medical review last Friday, doc gave me a whole new cocktail of medicines. Yeah, for those of you unfamiliar with psychosis, we talk about our medicines as 'cocktails'. Simply because we have to get the right portion mixed together to make it work, and not everytime it works. Like this time, didn't change cocktail what, ended up still on the roller coaster, doc had to give me new medicines to 'try' and give it 3 WEEKS for it to take effect. Either he is joking or he thinks I'm a guinae pig...
With a condition like that, where to find energy to fireproof my marriage? I'm a walking zombie when I'm awake, a light, violent sleeper when asleep. The only people who dare to sleep next to me are my Snoopies and teddy bears. How to fireproof the marriage then?? Fortunately Adrian understands how I feel, but I can't take this as an excuse not to fulfill my duty as a wife. I just find it so irksome when he tries to get intimate with me. I know he has his needs and I have mine too, but I really don't know what to do. And the constant need to be on hormones to control my endometriosis really makes me feel robbed of my womanhood, the right to have children the natural way. God, make me feel woman again so that I may serve my husband please. In Your Son's most precious name, Amen.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Thank You - IOU (Part II)
Dearest Sisters,
As promised, will update you with what has happened.
In th 1 days of school, I caught my son lying about losing his pocket money 3 times. And he was so real about it that he cried so bitterly, no one would have suspected anything if he hadn't tried it 3 times in a row.
On Friday morning, I was still on the phone with the form teacher who thinks I'm overreacting about my boy. But by school dismissal time, she said she had something serious to talk to me and will call me. What happened was my boy actually stole something from his classmate, a ball of fish feed that costs only 20 cents. It wasn't that he didn't have any money, he had more than a dollar in his wallet at the time when he was caught. It was over this stealing and lying that Adrian and I seeked Teck Ming's help, for we find that while he is only 7 years old, his behaviour is far more mature than that.
At Teck's advice, we gave him a great Saturday, sending Natalie away to Lay Choo's house for the day so that he could have both of our attention. After his favourite Korean BBQ dinner, I confronted him. Gently lah, of course. Initially he would only tell me things that I already knew, and I had to send him into the shower telling him that I know something happened just before school dismissal on Friday and I'd rather hear it from him that from the teacher. After colin down with a shower, he finally came out with the 'truth'. I asked him why has he been telling white lies these days, and his reply gave me a shock: "The devil tells me to lie." Upon further prompting, he claimed that there's a voice in him telling him to be naughty and to lie, and if he doesn't do so, the voice would be angry. After consulting Teck and his wife, we decided that either:
As promised, will update you with what has happened.
In th 1 days of school, I caught my son lying about losing his pocket money 3 times. And he was so real about it that he cried so bitterly, no one would have suspected anything if he hadn't tried it 3 times in a row.
On Friday morning, I was still on the phone with the form teacher who thinks I'm overreacting about my boy. But by school dismissal time, she said she had something serious to talk to me and will call me. What happened was my boy actually stole something from his classmate, a ball of fish feed that costs only 20 cents. It wasn't that he didn't have any money, he had more than a dollar in his wallet at the time when he was caught. It was over this stealing and lying that Adrian and I seeked Teck Ming's help, for we find that while he is only 7 years old, his behaviour is far more mature than that.
At Teck's advice, we gave him a great Saturday, sending Natalie away to Lay Choo's house for the day so that he could have both of our attention. After his favourite Korean BBQ dinner, I confronted him. Gently lah, of course. Initially he would only tell me things that I already knew, and I had to send him into the shower telling him that I know something happened just before school dismissal on Friday and I'd rather hear it from him that from the teacher. After colin down with a shower, he finally came out with the 'truth'. I asked him why has he been telling white lies these days, and his reply gave me a shock: "The devil tells me to lie." Upon further prompting, he claimed that there's a voice in him telling him to be naughty and to lie, and if he doesn't do so, the voice would be angry. After consulting Teck and his wife, we decided that either:
- I have a son with extremely fertile imagination and ability to tell lies;
- I have a lonely son who needs the company of an invisible voice to keep him company all the time; or
- I have a schizoprenic child in hand.
When Adrian probed him today, Nathanial refused to confess about lying and stealing, saying that it is a secret between he and I. So much for the father-son relationship.
I will be taking Teck's advice and send Nathanial for child psychologist assessment, please pray for me that Nathanial is not psychotic. It would then be much easier to solve the problem.
Most importantly of all, Sisters, please keep this from your kids, as I promised Nathanial no one will know about this. But there is no way I can keep this from all of you, the burden is far too heavy for me to carry alone. Just treat him as usual, don't let any of the kids know about these episodes, and I would be so grateful to you.
I know you will be praying for me (ha! safe assumption!!!), thanks and I really appreciate it.
Love, Carol
Thursday, January 15, 2009
God's Testing Me
I am so afraid, so burden since last night after my MIL's phone to say that she coming home tonite.
God certainly cant wait to test me..."loving the people God puts in your path by first loving those at home" keep ringing in my ear. "To recognize that there is someone i do not love is to say to God, "i do not love You enough to love that person." i keep telling myself this...but i still feel very burden,....i dont want to fail the test, sisters!!
Love, Just.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Christ, please give me the strength I need as You promise to
For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need. But even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty. ~Phil 4:13-14
Dearest Heavenly Father,
This is the moment when I am most susceptible to Satan's lure and bait, for it has been a roller coaster week ending with a young innocent life taken. Though I may not know the deceased, I do know that Nathanial's Taekwondo instructor used to hang out in the same group and would in fact have been in trouble that same night if he hadn't been vigorously training for the upcoming tournaments in Melaka and Korea. Being such a nice humble young man, I'm sure his friend couldn't be that extreme.
God, who do young innocent lives have to pay for something they have not done while the culprits get off scot-free? Do we have to wait till Judgement Day to see justice done? What if the murderer repents and becomes a disciple? Wouldn't have the innocent guy died in vain?
Father, we're all Your children, I know You love us all. But sometimes I really don't understand how things work with You. In my earthly and simplistic mind, right is right and wrong is wrong. There is hardly any grey lines in between. Why do punks who intentionally seek trouble seriously injure innocents and get off scot-free while the innocents are left to pick up the bits and pieces, sometimes even losing their lives in the process? The hurt the family feels, the agony, the injustice, the unfairness... all these because we are descendants of Adam and Eve? What if the poor boy has never given Discipleship a second thought, a common phenomenon at his age? Is he then going to hell for something that happened out of his control? while the culprit has time to repent and get baptised and seek Your pardon? Why did it have to happen at the Chinatown light-up and not during Christmas, when I was spending the night at Natalie's mum's wake? It was so near, I would have heard the commotion and alerted the police, and the poor guy wouldn't have died such a tragic death!
Father, I'm really struggling to do things in Christ's strength at the moment. Well, with Your strength either. My emotions are all in a roller coaster, and I have a problem catching hold of it. Yet I know medication is not the solution. Lord, I want to talk to Karen Louis tonight after the midweek service, please help me to get the story straight and gain some useful insight into how to grapple with this problem from her.
In Jesus' most precious name I pray. Amen.
Dearest Heavenly Father,
This is the moment when I am most susceptible to Satan's lure and bait, for it has been a roller coaster week ending with a young innocent life taken. Though I may not know the deceased, I do know that Nathanial's Taekwondo instructor used to hang out in the same group and would in fact have been in trouble that same night if he hadn't been vigorously training for the upcoming tournaments in Melaka and Korea. Being such a nice humble young man, I'm sure his friend couldn't be that extreme.
God, who do young innocent lives have to pay for something they have not done while the culprits get off scot-free? Do we have to wait till Judgement Day to see justice done? What if the murderer repents and becomes a disciple? Wouldn't have the innocent guy died in vain?
Father, we're all Your children, I know You love us all. But sometimes I really don't understand how things work with You. In my earthly and simplistic mind, right is right and wrong is wrong. There is hardly any grey lines in between. Why do punks who intentionally seek trouble seriously injure innocents and get off scot-free while the innocents are left to pick up the bits and pieces, sometimes even losing their lives in the process? The hurt the family feels, the agony, the injustice, the unfairness... all these because we are descendants of Adam and Eve? What if the poor boy has never given Discipleship a second thought, a common phenomenon at his age? Is he then going to hell for something that happened out of his control? while the culprit has time to repent and get baptised and seek Your pardon? Why did it have to happen at the Chinatown light-up and not during Christmas, when I was spending the night at Natalie's mum's wake? It was so near, I would have heard the commotion and alerted the police, and the poor guy wouldn't have died such a tragic death!
Father, I'm really struggling to do things in Christ's strength at the moment. Well, with Your strength either. My emotions are all in a roller coaster, and I have a problem catching hold of it. Yet I know medication is not the solution. Lord, I want to talk to Karen Louis tonight after the midweek service, please help me to get the story straight and gain some useful insight into how to grapple with this problem from her.
In Jesus' most precious name I pray. Amen.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?
Many have asked the question how did Adrian ever coped with my Bipolar Disorder without spiritual help and support from brothers from church. Well, I never knew. All I know was that he was determined to stick through our marriage vows, be it in sickness or in health, riches or poverty. And he did a brilliant job out of it. Thinking back, I have to applaud him and thank him for loving me over the kids. And I can't help but thank Cheng Yong for the part he played, listening to Adrian pour out his woes and sorrows till 2am while I was lying in the hospital bed, semi-insane.
I've always asked Adrian if he ever felt that he got the worse end of the deal. Somehow he never looked at our relationship in this way. He feels that as a husband and a father, his job is to protect the family from all harm, regardless of the dangers ahead. Sounds like we're wild animals living in the jungle, don't we? :) Anyway, that brings to mind a retro called 'Loving You Is a Dirty Job, But Somebody's Gotta Do it'. And that 'somebody' is destined to be Adrian for as long as God is not ready to take me, I suppose.
Now that I'm enslaved to all these stupid medications for life, I sometimes really lose the courage to live on. It might be difficult to understand, but imagine having to take over 10 pills every night for the rest of your life. Often I'd ask God why me? But I guess I'll never get an answer before I see Him on Judgement Day. It is such a temptation to skip a couple of doses here and there because nobody likes to be enslaved to anyone or anything, but that is where Mr Lucifer strikes silently. Miss the dose and you go haywire. And you'll be doing insane things like flinging chairs around the house, breaking everything within sight, perhaps even taking a chopper and running after your family's lives. It's just beyond control. Only the medication would make a Bipolar Disorder patient sane, and this sanity may not last forever as one gets immune to the medication and requires a stronger dose now and then.
There is this Chinese song that ends with 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow'. This is a question I frequently ask Adrian, especially when my Bipolar acts up and I feel insecure of everyone's love for me. No doubt God's love is supreme and perfect and everlasting, I have lived with no other love for over a decade before I became a disciple. So Adrian's love for me is still extremely important, for even in the kingdom I see many couples breaking up and straying from God. It's such a scary thought that one day I might have to live a life of a Eunice or a single Mom, or even fight a custody over the twins. I won't be able to cope with it.
Honey, will you still love me tomorrow?
I've always asked Adrian if he ever felt that he got the worse end of the deal. Somehow he never looked at our relationship in this way. He feels that as a husband and a father, his job is to protect the family from all harm, regardless of the dangers ahead. Sounds like we're wild animals living in the jungle, don't we? :) Anyway, that brings to mind a retro called 'Loving You Is a Dirty Job, But Somebody's Gotta Do it'. And that 'somebody' is destined to be Adrian for as long as God is not ready to take me, I suppose.
Now that I'm enslaved to all these stupid medications for life, I sometimes really lose the courage to live on. It might be difficult to understand, but imagine having to take over 10 pills every night for the rest of your life. Often I'd ask God why me? But I guess I'll never get an answer before I see Him on Judgement Day. It is such a temptation to skip a couple of doses here and there because nobody likes to be enslaved to anyone or anything, but that is where Mr Lucifer strikes silently. Miss the dose and you go haywire. And you'll be doing insane things like flinging chairs around the house, breaking everything within sight, perhaps even taking a chopper and running after your family's lives. It's just beyond control. Only the medication would make a Bipolar Disorder patient sane, and this sanity may not last forever as one gets immune to the medication and requires a stronger dose now and then.
There is this Chinese song that ends with 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow'. This is a question I frequently ask Adrian, especially when my Bipolar acts up and I feel insecure of everyone's love for me. No doubt God's love is supreme and perfect and everlasting, I have lived with no other love for over a decade before I became a disciple. So Adrian's love for me is still extremely important, for even in the kingdom I see many couples breaking up and straying from God. It's such a scary thought that one day I might have to live a life of a Eunice or a single Mom, or even fight a custody over the twins. I won't be able to cope with it.
Honey, will you still love me tomorrow?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)