This is the 5th day I'm spending at the hospital. Been doing some reflection and how I could help myself without over relying on medications. And then I realise it's anger that I'm battling with. Anger accumulated from my early years, forced deep down into the abyss and thought to have gone into the incinerator and no longer exists. No, that is far from being true, I finally realise. How can you be brought up in a certai environment and then erase it all from your memory? So this is the schema John has been talking about!
The doctor spoke to Adrian last evening. Basically he gave an option of keeping my bed and let me have an off day to see Catherine Amons with Natalie at SGH, where Natalie will be warded. And the warning that whatever method you use, be it psychology or schema therapy, you've got to dig down into the roots of the causes of the schemas and be broken before healing can begin. Interestingly he has no religion. I would have thought he was a member of our church!
The doctor also cannot decide if I should be kept in the hospital any longer. Despite all treatments, I remain enclosed in my own world, my bed is my world, I am self sufficient and there's no way they can drag me out to join them in their activities like craft work. Because I pre-empted that and brought my own water colours and pictures to paint, books to read, and a laptop with a dongle for Broadband on Mobile to continue blogging and Facebooking. I win already lor. Eat also refuse to eat at the common area. So doctor thinks I atill have lots hidden deep down which they do not know and hence can't help me even if I stay on. Yet if I stay on, they hope to dig me inside out and see what's wrong with me.
1030hrs will be the 1st session of the day for craft work. I'm going in to vent my anger on copper plates. Oh, by the way, there is an adorable sand bag here which stands on the ground, a bit like humpty dumpty but with real sand and not air inside. I think the first thing I'm going to do when I get back is to save up for this sand bag!!!
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Dear Sis, really appreciate you. Though you fear to meet people but you try. Yes, you went to the activity room, am so glad to hear that. Thanks for opening up last Sunday, letting me in into your inner world though you would rather be alone. Keeping Natalie and you in prayer daily.
Love,
Bee
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