Melancholy (Just, don't tell me it's another big word...)

Got the news of Juvena's condition this morning as I was doing my QT. Not a very nice time to hear not very nice news like that. Or perhaps God is in His way telling me that He has everything under His control, I should be just living my life for Him without worrying too much about what happens around me? That I should stop moping around and start doing something much more useful like saving even more lost souls so that fewer will be banished to the fires of hell?

Melancholy is always my weakness and strength. Weakness obviously because I can't function properly whenever any bad news happen, whether it is related to me or not. Yet it can be a strength as I can empathise with people around me who are suffering. Most importantly, this feeling of melancholy allows me to 'feel' the way poets of long ago feel, giving me good grades in Literature as well as in writing. So all 4 years in NUS I just had fun and 'keng' through without really much need to study lah.

But melancholy has gotten the better part of me this time round as I age. I realise I sink deeper and deeper into melancholy and it takes much more effort to recover from the melancholic state. Honest I don't know Juvena or her family in person. And I don't know the 17yo boy killed in the Chinatown incident. Yet I can't seem to get out of the melancholy and move on. I cried my heart out when I heard of the boy's death, and until today I am still very upset. As for Juvena, what a sight I was. Adrian has throat infection and I went to the clinic with him, got the news, thought about it, and kept crying as I came out of the clinic. People around must be thinking either Adrian or myself must have contracted some terminal illness!!!

Too emotional is bad. Too melancholic is a thousand times worse. I'm lucky I've past 28yo, so I know I won't die a young age like John Keats. But who knows if I will live a unhapy live like William Shakespeare? I'd still prefer to be Lee Kuan Yew, worying about nothing but the welfare of the people. Or lagi better, be Mahathir, jiak ba boh tai zi zo, find trouble with everyone who doesn't agree with him. Somehow he reminds me that it could be a blessing to be self-centered. But after much thoughts, I still like to be myself lah, all the strengths and weaknesses aside, for this is the ME that God created. Amen!