Xian ah...

Feeling so mood. Been 3 years since the last severe attack. Will I go back to the extreme of committing suicide, or will the Holy Spirit protect me this time that I'm baptized, together with so many sisters' and brothers' prayers? Praise the Lord the medical review is tomorrow, otherwise you bet I will go to the specialist clinic at CGH and demand to be seen immediately. Hahaha, now you my schema liao, entitlement. Actually I don't see why I should have it, it's the psychiatrist himself telling me that should I have any problems before my appointment, I should go banging at the door. Not literally of course lah.

I hate this illness. When I'm up I'm like crazy and can't think of anything but eat and spend money. But when I'm down, I go to the extreme of self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts, even attempts. Remember pauline telling me lately that she loves the flu tablet Piriton, 1 tablet makes you sleep through the night and you feel shiok the next day. Ha, big deal. My record is 37 tablets at one shot without sleeping a wink the whole night, let alone kena A&E and pumping.

Feel absolutely lousy about myself. Never can predict my mood. Talk about getting up from the wrong side of the bed. Try that everyday. You'll know what I mean.

At the moment blood and pain excite me. I'd love to get hold of a cutter and slash my arm. Not that I've never done it before. 2 years ago I 'carved' myself a 'bracelet' arond my left wrist, but was careful enough not to get it too deep into the artery. Last year I 'engraved' a smiley on my left inner arm, fairly deep but somehow it didn't get infected. Last Friday afternon I slashed my left inner wrist, but not deep enough, not shiok. So slash one more time, this time damn shiok man. But now almost completely healed already leh, what else shall I do??? Blindfold myself and cross the road? Sometimes pain excites me to the extend that I whip myself on the back with a cane until the flesh becomes raw. Of course no one at home knows about this, I make sure the kids are asleep and Adrian in KL or working late. Running out of idea ofinducing pain on myself.

Bet none of you can understand how I feel, not even Natalie. Big deal if we both have the same psychotic disorder. Even identical twins have different characters and fingerprints. But I know you'll all be praying for me. You're my sisters in Christ, not those fickle-minded pagens out there in the secular world.

Thanks for hearing my horror story. Sorry if I cause any of you sleepless nights and nightmares.