"Jenna" or "God is gracious"
Jenna or "God is gracious" is a constant reminder of God's grace to me. For many who know us, Jenna is our firstborn on both side of the families. I vividly remember the call I received from the Dr WK Tan, my gynea, when I was 14 weeks pregnant, asking me to go back for a confirmation scan as my blood results indicated she was under the high-risk Down Syndrome category.
The confirmation test only confirmed that the first test was accurate. What followed next were months of tears and cries (my hubby and myself) to God, as the tummy gets bigger and the stress gets greater. I thought maybe it is because both my husband and myself are "Tans" and we should not get married. I feel sorry for the grandparents on both sides; especially for what they have to go through due to my pregnancy; for years of looking forward to a grandchild that turned into months of anxiety and fear.
I received a call from Justina one day at work. (Justina, can you still remember?) Justina was expecting Jeremy with expected due date a few days apart from mine. She just asked a "How are you?" and the line was silent. I was so emotional, tears flow non-stop. I was at my work station. I was working at Yellow pages then. How do I answer how I am?
It was stress every moment. You don't really know what to pray. You feel that you have to be spiritual in order for God to answer prayers. Yet, is it a spiritual prayer- to ask for a "normal" child?Asking for God's will to be done seem to be more spiritual yet you fear so much that God's will is to let you take care of a child with special needs. It was a continual struggle as you learnt to pray that God's will be done.
Next was my struggles with vows. I really wanted to make a vow to God, like Hannah did for Samuel. Yet, you feel so afraid that you cannot keep up to your vows.Many times, however, the prayer model was Hannah. And I truly understand what it is to pray out of bitterness and sorrow of heart.
There was no problem for me to love a child with special needs. My fears were more on who is going to take care of her while I am gone.
The big day came, Jenna was born, 2 months premature, weighing 2kg. What few people knew were that even upon birth, nobody told us she was normal. She was at the special care then, as a result of her prematurity.
Visits to the special care; my mom and brother noticed her crying most of the time. Mom was really worried. She thought it was because of her being a downs child.
I remembered the 3rd day, when I visited my baby. I saw her struggling to open her eyes then. She looked looked so abnormal that I asked the nurses regarding this. They could not answer me, just asked me to check with the doctor. Next, I went around the hospital looking for the paediatrician (to no avail). I called my husband up and I remembered him telling me "not to worry." I realised he could not give me the anwer I wanted to hear also - that the baby was alright.That was the same answer he gave me immediately after the birth of Jenna when I asked him " Is she normal?" I guessed by then he was more ready than me, to accept a child with a genetic order.
To this date I wondered if God had performed a miracle while the baby was in my womb. What I knew was when I had her, there was very little movement she made. She seldom moved. Read somewhere that that was one of the signs. I do not know.
Whatever it is, I know if God performed a miracle, He performed the very best, just like the way He turned the wine into the best. And just by giving her to us it is a miracle.
More than a week ago, we received a letter accepting her, our "Downs" child was accepted into Nanyang Primary GEP programme. This is a gift from God!
Recently, she wrote a passage out of her own memory, an entire poem from the GEP test she took. I thought : WOW! This is a gift from God!
Yet many times, we let God down. Many times I have such sinful thoughts about her that show how ungrateful I am. Many times, I find her a super difficult child, most difficult among all my other kids.
How much more ungrateful can I get?
She is a gift from God.
Soon Keow
2 comments:
Thanks for your sharing,didn't know you have gone thru so much... Definitely God has blessed us with great kids despite we are so sinful. But I believe God wants us to learn to love our children unconditionaly even when they are good or naughty.
Lingling
Did hear about your struggles, but to hear your very own version is totally a new perspective. When I was carrying my twins I was constantly in fear of losing them by accident, especially since I owe it not only to God but the whole IVF team and their donor parents for having them (they were donor embryos as some of you know). At that time I wasn't a disciple yet but a believer, and I felt that I was going against God's will by opting for IVF and subsequently donor embryos. If God won't give me children, isn't it a sin to go against His will and try by artificial methods?
Since then I have come to understand that if it is not God's will, my ovely twins wouldn't have been born in the first place. The IVF wouldn't have been successful. I thank God for His grace and mercy for not denying me of motherhood but gave me an lternative instead. Praise be to God!
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