Hi sisters,
I know i had been disappear for couples of months. I had very bad depression to deal with. It was so hard to fight that i really want to end my life. I ask God a lot time to take my life now. I hate it. I hate to be in this stage but i just cant control. I know some of you had keep e-mail me and write on my FaceBook wall. But i just never response it back.
Due to my husband not at home for 8 months (he still not back home yet), plus stay in a place that i struggles a lot in US. I really hate US, i don't seen any good side of it. I don't understand why people fight just want to be part of US citizen. People married to US man just want to stay in US. I really don't understand, why??? Lot of people question me why i married a US man? Was it because coming to US?? I seen like we Asia people have to stay in US for reason?? I tell most of them, i don't really like to stay in US. In the first place when i know i going to US, i been struggles a lot and i really don't want to go. I told my husband that i will stay in Singapore to wait for him, but he want the whole family to move with him. After been here for almost 3 years, i still fighting and struggles to like here. I hate myself here. I feels i not be use by God, i not using my talent to serve His people. I miss Singapore. I miss our church building, our powerful sermons, all my best friends in church, our hangout, our talks, and all those yummy food. I really struggles a lot, i miss everything. I feels i lost my laugh, my joy, my freedom, my spiritual, my everything. People just don't understand what i had been through. They want me to talk and i tell them, but they don't understand....... I really hate here.....
I had so bad depression that i donut allow people to come to my life. Since nobody understand me and they also cant help me. All they know how to say it " i know". They not in my shoes, they don't understand husband always gone for 70% in a year. I come from Asia that everything was so nearby and easy for me. Not like in US, everything was so far always and have to drive. I don't have driving license, all i do was stay at home all the time. What i want and need was order online. I hate here. I don't want to go church, i don't want any prayer or quite-time, i don't want to cook or do anything, i don't response e-mails and phone calls, i don't want anybody to talk to me or disturb me. All i want is be alone and leave me alone. I will cry for no reason. I really hate my life now.
Don't get me wrong. I been single mom before. My ex-husband always not at home too. To me it not big deal now. The different is i was busy with work, morning prayer with Veron, church special lessons, hangout with sisters all the time, my parent are helping me, i can go anywhere i want to shop or walk around, Christians stay nearby to each others. But in US, i been home most of the time. Except go church and grocery, i will be home most of the week. If i need to go somewhere, i have to arrange early of the week with my small group. I stay in Military housing, so not all people can come in. They have to go through all the check point. Anyway....... Sigh...... To be honest, i really want to end my married. I want to divorced so i can get reason to move back where i come from. Don't get me wrong, my husband did not do anything to me or my kids. Just that i cant take it anymore. I feels i like a watchdog watching the house for owner to come back.
My husband was so perfect. He allow me to spent as much money as i want without any question ask. He check on me most of the week to see how i feels. He always confess to me what he struggles and sins he fall in. But to me..... Big house with lot of money, i really not happy. I cry more than i laugh. I know lot of people are struggles for job and finance deal to the market now. My husband had stable job and stable income. I just not happy with it. I feels i fight along with no ones help or pull me. I really very tired and really feels life are meaningless..... I still can be a life until now is because of my boys. Now my husband not around and anything happen to me, my boys will be taking away from Government until my husband back home. I really don't want my boys stay in Boys Home or places that they get even more worst.
I know it not easy for me to tell you all this. I just don't have anyone to talk to about my feeling anymore. Except to my husband and God, i have not friend now. I don't expect you to understand or be in my shoes. I just want to get out before i realize i cant take it anymore. I just need you to pray for me. I really hope and want this round my husband avail to promo to Chef so we can apply for Singapore Position and hope we can move back. I had been praying for miracle to happen and i tell God "i want my husband to promo and i want to move back to Singapore either in November or December. I don't care about God will or not, i just want it". I know it not right to pray this way, but i just want to move out of here. But i also tell God, "i still believe in miracle and i still believe in my prayer. Because i was the example of miracle and prayer come true". I just need your prayer to move this miracle come true. So don't envy about my life. My life here is not happy as i use to be in Singapore.
Well...... I hope i not scare you aways from this e-mails. I really miss you, my sisters.
Have a great wonderful weeks.
Miss you
Diana
5 comments:
Dear Diana,
First of all, do not say that no one understands you. You are suffering from a case of clinical depression and I want you to seek medical help IMMEDIATELY. I have been through it all and am still battling with it, onlyu I have it worse than you, a condition called Bipolar Disorder which could make me so depressed that I want to kill myself or so manic and easily irritated that I mutilate myself. And trust me, I have been warded to the hospital for both ends of the condition, with the last admission just a couple of months back when I was cutting myself up just to release the pain from my heart to another part of the body. So I DO know what you need, and that is professional help and medication. If not for you, at least for your kids and your awesome husband.
The next thing is, you really need to talk to your husband about this situation you're in, where you don't see him for 70% of the year. This is definitely not within his control, and praise the Lord he is such a faithful and understanding husband and keeps in touch with the family regularly. I sure understand his desire to keep the family together, but 30% of the year is not really a lot of time. Plus the mental pressure it gives you, it is really unhealthy. Discuss with him if it wouldn't be better for you and the kids to move back to Singapore where you are comfortable and which is your homeland, where you are familiar with the place and culture and most importantly, language. Since he travels so much anyway and allows you to spend any amount of money you like, he might as well accumulate the 30% of the time together, the both of you save money as far as possible, then have him fly over to Singapore to visit the family once or twice a year. Prayerfully by the end of the year, God will grant your wish that he be promoted and posted back to Singapore.
Sister, you need to actively look for a solution and not sit on it and wallow in self-pity. It is indeed a pitiable state, but like you said and I agree to a large extent, most people will say'"I understand," without understanding even a fraction of what we're experiencing. Get yourself treated first, take your antidepressants regularly and join a support group for depression cases in your neighbourhood or online. Then grab a time to seriously sit down with your husband and pour out to him everything you've written here, exploring the various options out of this situation. He definitely doesn't want you in depression, and if he knows you're clinically depressed, I'm sure he will actively look for a solution as well.
You'll be constantly in my prayers. And do believe that I really understand what you're going through. Take care and keep us all posted of your well being. Do remember we all love and care for you and your family, especially your boys.
Love,
Carol
Hi again, Diana,
I want to encourage you with the following verses in NLT version, they lift my spirits whenever I feel down. Not for long, no doubt, for our condition is one which requires medication besides spiritual guidance. But the temporary relieve is good enough to help you pull through the most difficult hours of the day, early morning and sunset time for me. Here goes:
You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy.
- Psalm 30:11
As pressure and stress bear down on me, I find joy in your commands.
- Psalm 119:143
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.
- Psalm 34:18
How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps.
- Proverbs 20:24
You heard their cries for help and saved them. They put their trust in you and were never disappointed.
- Psalm 22:5
As the Scriptures tell us,"Anyone who believes in him will not be disappointed."
- Romans 10:11
So, Sister Diana, remember that in times of disappointment, be thankful that God will never let you down. Meditating on God's Word can help heal your emotional upheavels and give you new joy, for He was the one who created your emotions. Naturally He is the one whom you should turn to for healing.
Take care and we'll be praying for you.
Love,
Carol
Hi Diana,
so great to see you online again. I missed your online sharing so much.
Yep, guess you must be going thru some things when I don't see your post... anyway, you are back and I think it is a first step to better times...Hurray!
Well, I am someone who relies on my hubby a lot, I know it must be very very difficult... but take heart. God willl bless you. Do keep sharing, keep praying.
There is no need for me to share about how great God is because I know you know more about Him than me. I see Him in you, your life.
Take heart.
I like it when Jesus returned to his disciples after His resurraction. He always said "Peace be with you". Indeed, I think this is what He will say to you. "Peace be with you"
God is with you! Keep fellow-shipping with us. With the internet, the world has no boundaries ;)
love,sk
Dear Diana,
Thanks for your sharing...It is good to let us know...so that we can encourage you...I remembered when I came to Singapore 14 years ago, I felt like what you are feeling now. It is so difficult for me to settle down here. Although HK & Singapore have lots of similarities, I miss HK so much...I missed my dad & mum, my brothers, sisters, my gd friends, my church friends, the food, the life's styles. This is the place where I was born.
After I got married, my husband worked in KL. I was so lonely that I cried very night. I depended on my hubby so much that I complained to him my situation and pleaded him to come back. But the situation did not change. I thanked GOD Ever since I became Christian, my life changed. Naturally I am timid & shy; I started to open up myself, not so depend on my hubby. I need to have sisters around me. I need to keep a gd relationship w GOD. And this is how I can overcome my insecurity and loneliness. A lot of times I felt I am like a fish that was out of water just couldn’t breathe. Now I looked back. During the tough time, GOD gave me peace and the promise. He will protect you and save you from difficult situation.
With the internet, we can always communicate and live no boundaries.
Amen
Wendy
dear diana,
finally able to be online,
the struggle u have is really intense!
but hey it is good u fellowship with us in the blog
u need encouragement, u need God's words to remind u
i believe it is v hard, but take heart and trust in the LORd
God is with u and waiting to help u thru this phase of yr life.
Your most difficult life , u are so strong with the lORd, this u will also able to overcome with the LORd!
love u always,
veron
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